Life in the Wallowing Pit

Have you ever had a day when you just feel like you’re not who you want to be? You feel inadequate, jealous, spiteful, depressed, and like you just don’t measure up. Recently, I found myself wallowing in this place. I hate it when that happens. You know that God has gifted everyone the way he wants, you thought you were secure in who you are and what you were doing in your life . . . and then you see someone else with a quality or gift you wish you had and all of a sudden you are in that wallowing place again. Maybe it is a Bible study leader who is great with people and with communicating the Word of God. Maybe it is a youth coach who connects better with the kids than you do. Maybe it is a Martha Stewartesque woman whose home is so warm and inviting and always open to everyone. Whoever it is . . . you don’t really begrudge them for who they are, in fact you really admire them. You just realize that you’re never going to be like them and it makes you feel like you are a little less lovable, a little less God-like, a little less valuable than they are.

Hopefully, you know that you are worth so much in God’s eyes. That he has gifted each one of you with your own distinct personality and your own strengths and spiritual gifts.

I’ve noticed when I get “wallowy” that my focus has shifted. I start focusing on myself and my limitations. I forget to give God glory for the good around me, in my own life, and in the lives of those other women I admire so much. I’ve fallen into Satan’s trap of comparing myself to others.

I Peter 4:8-11 gives us some advice about using our gifts. Peter says in verse 10 that “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.”

So, obviously there are various forms in which God’s grace can be administered. Sure, God gifts people to work with youth on a grand scale. There are those who are charismatic kid-magnets who have the gift of gab. And there are those who work more behind the scenes without all the hoopla. They are more introverted types who like to get to know the kids slowly, more one-on-one. There’s a place for both kinds of people and all those in between. And it is okay if you aren’t musical, or extra out-going, or super smart, or a good counselor, or . . . fill in the blank . . . whatever your gift is, use it! And be available to be open to new things God teaches you and new ways you can be used of Him!

Peter says in verse 8, “Above all love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” The motivation of love for God helps us to use our gifts for Him and perhaps it is also the thing that gets us out of the wallowing pit and allows us to rejoice with those who are gifted in different ways than we are. When you think about it, it is amazing the way God designs the body with many parts to work together. And seriously, isn’t it great to know, “I don’t have to do EVERYTHING!”

One Morning

The perfect blending of electric guitars and drums providing the backdrop of the morning youth worship, you sit among hundreds of high school and junior high students praising the God you and your husband have been serving together for five years now. It has been an awesome five years. You look around and notice the shining faces of the teenagers around you who have come to know Christ through the ministry that you and your husband have built with God’s help. There’s Susie, who is from a broken home and who was on the verge of suicide when her friend invited her to church. She is now one of your leader kids who is singing with the praise team up on the stage, her life now completely devoted to following Christ. There’s Trent, the star of the football team who is also leading a Bible Study before school each Tuesday a.m. There are so many, they are getting harder to remember by name, but it is so uplifting to know how many have been affected by the ministry of your church. You bask in the wonder and revel in the warm feelings this moment is bringing your way. Last night was one of the best high school kick-off parties you have ever had. Your four year old and two year old were so excited to have the high school crowd over to your place for the big bonfire and party. Your hard work, and the hard work of so many of the other youth coaches and sponsors, really paid off. Your husband’s devotion was so funny and so inspired and the kids got such a lift out of it. It is amazing how creative you and your team can be. You have so many ideas, you can’t have enough programs to use them all! And just think, it gets better. Tomorrow you and your husband are going away on an all expenses paid trip for two for the week in order to recuperate from all your hard work over the last five years. The church has been so good. They’ve even bought your family a brand new mini-van. You are brought back to the present by the youth up front calling your husband forward to give him a gift of appreciation. They are so good about that. Weekly, they thank you and your family for all the time and effort you put into the ministry. As the band revs up for the next song, you notice the nice little part the keyboardist is playing, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink . . . What is that? What?????
Oh, no! It’s the alarm clock! Like a car suddenly shifting from 5th gear to 1st, you are jerked awake. You’ve overslept. It is 7:59 and you and your family must be at the church at 8:30 a.m. ready for the pre-church prayer group that meets to pray for the youth of the church. Oh no! You said you’d be in charge of bringing treats for your 4 year old’s Sunday School class! Aaaagh! There’s not time to get to the bakery and to the church. Nobody’s dressed, where are his shoes? The phone rings, your husband is already at church and got a call, can you please fill in for the junior boys teacher, her kids are throwing up?
Good morning, youth minister’s wife! Take a deep breath, and repeat after me: “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24). Did you know this verse comes in the last of a set of Psalms that Jesus would have recited during the last Passover meal with his disciples? He knew what had to happen the next day, and still he could say, let us rejoice…Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Ps 118:24, 29) You cannot get through this day alone, at least not with your sanity intact, but your good God can walk you through it, “not somehow, but victoriously!”

Quote of the Week: When You Feel You're Barely Getting By...

"Not somehow, but victoriously!" (not sure who said this, but it is displayed prominently in the home of Mrs. Veva Appel, an amazing Christian woman, a minister's widow, the mother of Gene Appel and his wonderful siblings!)

Marriage

“Meh-widge--a dweam within a dweam . . .”

And then you wake up! Most new-to-the-youth ministry wives are also newlyweds. It is a doubly exciting time for the young couple, full of hopes, dreams, ideas, and passion for each other and for the work that God has for them to do. However, so many changes at once (new marriage, new job, new home, new people to meet, and the list goes on and on) prove to be too much for a young woman to handle, and this causes even more stress within her marriage. In our next couple of blog postings we will talk about some of the challenges and changes that can happen in a marriage when the couple is also in ministry.

If you are new to the full-time youth ministry, how have you made the transition from college life to the “real world?” Has it been hard? Are you newly married? Has this new ministry life been a strain on your marriage?

I remember the moving van pulling away with my parents in it at the beginning of our first full-time ministry and the feelings of homesickness, helplessness and loneliness fell on me like a ton of bricks. We had graduated from college a few months prior and had actually been married for a couple of years already. My husband and I had married after our sophomore year in college and had transitioned quite nicely into married life. We were both going to school, working part-time at school and basically carrying on as we had before marriage with the added benefit of being roommates! We transitioned into married life with relatively little trouble.

However, now that the moving van had left, the finality of growing up and being on our own was so intense. This was my first “huge” hurdle in married life. The next day it just kept getting worse. Rondel was quickly sucked into the ministry and even though I was highly involved it wasn’t exactly the same for me (since I didn’t have an official “position” at the church). During the whole first year, even though there was much success, we had ups and downs in our married life. I remember lots of crying on my part. Looking back, I’m sure some of that was my own immaturity and insecurities coming forth, but we both shared the blame. I was homesick, also about leaving behind my academic life, trying to adjust to my new role, adjusting to actually running a household, and meeting LOTS of new people. I’m a shy person and it was at times excruciating. Rondel, however, was in his element and impassioned with ministering in whatever way he could. It was hard for him to remember to stop what he was doing and come home on time for supper, or to know that I needed him to myself occasionally. We spent a lot of time together doing ministry and hanging out with people, but our alone time sometimes got left for “leftover” times.

We floundered through all this with God’s help. I will say that everything we ended up doing may not work for all youth ministry couples, but eventually we found the things that helped us.

1. We made his day off a priority. I told him that I could put up with a lot if I KNEW that I had Thursdays (all day!).

2. I went to the office when I had free time (just to hang out with him). I also helped out with a few office things in order to speed him up a little and get him home a little sooner. (Be careful with this or you will have a MAJOR transition again when children come – as I did!)

3. We tried to make time to go home and visit family whenever possible (this wasn’t easy, especially on a limited income). And my family came to visit us.

4. I joined a Ladies Bible Study and made friends. This helped with the loneliness.

5. I got involved in my own ministries. In other words, I got a life. I didn’t center my world completely around my husband.

Notice that most of these things were changes in my own life and my own attitude. My husband had a responsibility to make time for me, but I had to also understand the importance of his job. My opinion is that even if you are not actively involved in your husband’s ministry, you still affect it. You can support it, support him in it, understand the time it takes to do it well, etc. Or you can hinder it. Then no one wins.

Quote of the Week: Duty

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. -- Helen Keller

Encouragement from the Word

A long time ago, when I was a girl at church camp, someone asked everyone in our “family group” to share their favorite verse from the Bible. Of course, we were memorizing lots of verses that week, which was much easier back then! But I really had no idea what I would say my favorite verse was. I did know I didn’t want to use a typical one that anyone might say, like John 3:16, or Psalm 23. Not that those aren’t great passages, they are, but I wanted something different. I don’t remember what I said when it was my turn…whether I copied off a friend or made something up, or just said “I don’t know.” I do remember our leader’s favorite verse, though…he rattled off 1 Corinthians 15:58 to us, and I thought, yeah, that’s a really good one, that not everybody knows! So I wrote it down and memorized it that week, and it still brings me a lot of encouragement. I urge you to claim it for yourself: Therefore, my dear brothers (or sisters!), stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor. 15:58, NIV)