Marriage

“Meh-widge--a dweam within a dweam . . .”

And then you wake up! Most new-to-the-youth ministry wives are also newlyweds. It is a doubly exciting time for the young couple, full of hopes, dreams, ideas, and passion for each other and for the work that God has for them to do. However, so many changes at once (new marriage, new job, new home, new people to meet, and the list goes on and on) prove to be too much for a young woman to handle, and this causes even more stress within her marriage. In our next couple of blog postings we will talk about some of the challenges and changes that can happen in a marriage when the couple is also in ministry.

If you are new to the full-time youth ministry, how have you made the transition from college life to the “real world?” Has it been hard? Are you newly married? Has this new ministry life been a strain on your marriage?

I remember the moving van pulling away with my parents in it at the beginning of our first full-time ministry and the feelings of homesickness, helplessness and loneliness fell on me like a ton of bricks. We had graduated from college a few months prior and had actually been married for a couple of years already. My husband and I had married after our sophomore year in college and had transitioned quite nicely into married life. We were both going to school, working part-time at school and basically carrying on as we had before marriage with the added benefit of being roommates! We transitioned into married life with relatively little trouble.

However, now that the moving van had left, the finality of growing up and being on our own was so intense. This was my first “huge” hurdle in married life. The next day it just kept getting worse. Rondel was quickly sucked into the ministry and even though I was highly involved it wasn’t exactly the same for me (since I didn’t have an official “position” at the church). During the whole first year, even though there was much success, we had ups and downs in our married life. I remember lots of crying on my part. Looking back, I’m sure some of that was my own immaturity and insecurities coming forth, but we both shared the blame. I was homesick, also about leaving behind my academic life, trying to adjust to my new role, adjusting to actually running a household, and meeting LOTS of new people. I’m a shy person and it was at times excruciating. Rondel, however, was in his element and impassioned with ministering in whatever way he could. It was hard for him to remember to stop what he was doing and come home on time for supper, or to know that I needed him to myself occasionally. We spent a lot of time together doing ministry and hanging out with people, but our alone time sometimes got left for “leftover” times.

We floundered through all this with God’s help. I will say that everything we ended up doing may not work for all youth ministry couples, but eventually we found the things that helped us.

1. We made his day off a priority. I told him that I could put up with a lot if I KNEW that I had Thursdays (all day!).

2. I went to the office when I had free time (just to hang out with him). I also helped out with a few office things in order to speed him up a little and get him home a little sooner. (Be careful with this or you will have a MAJOR transition again when children come – as I did!)

3. We tried to make time to go home and visit family whenever possible (this wasn’t easy, especially on a limited income). And my family came to visit us.

4. I joined a Ladies Bible Study and made friends. This helped with the loneliness.

5. I got involved in my own ministries. In other words, I got a life. I didn’t center my world completely around my husband.

Notice that most of these things were changes in my own life and my own attitude. My husband had a responsibility to make time for me, but I had to also understand the importance of his job. My opinion is that even if you are not actively involved in your husband’s ministry, you still affect it. You can support it, support him in it, understand the time it takes to do it well, etc. Or you can hinder it. Then no one wins.