After Great Pain...

What do you do when tragedy strikes your youth group, your town? Maybe it’s a car wreck, or tornado, or someone’s mom dying of cancer. Or one of the teens dying of cancer. Whatever it is, the victims are too young, and your youth are in shock. And you are, too.

We’ve been through this—and nothing can prepare anyone for something horrible like this. And there is no way to be "strong enough" on your own, either. God is the only one strong enough to carry us through the pain to the other side—the side where you never forget, but you do move on, and where you enjoy the special moments of each day when you connect with friends and family, and even strangers, because you realize now how fragile life is. And where you seek God with all your heart, and get everyone around you to do the same, so that we all have the hope of eternity together, where there are no more tears.

I didn’t really like Emily Dickinson’s poetry when we studied it in school. But one line of hers always stuck in my head. “After great pain, a formal feeling comes.” She’s right. After great pain, after the shock, the sobbing, the anger, the confusion, the yelling, after it all, you get to this quiet place. This serious place. This spot where you are sort of numb, and you wonder if you will smile or laugh again. Or even if you should. But you will. And what I’ve found out, through tough experience, is that after great pain, a deeper joy can come. Deeper worship can come. Serious, amazing praise can come. A love of life that is more real and meaningful can come. A heart for evangelism and compassion for the hurting can come. I think the secret to all of these things is letting God join you in your pain. He, too, has known tragedy. He, too, has lost a child. In fact, if it weren’t for that One child, He would have lost all His children.

So, don’t shut him out. He can handle any grief, any anger, any and every emotion you need to direct at Him. And when that strange quiet envelops you, know that He is there, too, waiting to take you farther up and farther in, higher than you ever were before. He loves you.

Auto-Pilot or Purposeful Driving?

Have you ever been driving your car and suddenly realize that you haven’t been paying attention to what you’ve been doing? All at once you realize where you are, and you can’t remember passing certain landmarks. Probably all of us have done this at one time or another. We have an uncanny ability as humans to go on “auto-pilot” and just do things by rote without even thinking about them. It can be scary, really.

It can become that way in our marriages. We get into our daily routines and just move from activity to activity without much thought to the landmarks along the way. We may miss warning signals or obstacles that come into our paths, or we may forget to do important maintenance and our whole relationship may breakdown. We may not realize the danger our relationship is in until it is too late.

I know this is just an analogy, but the threat is very real. We must not allow our relationship with our husbands to move strictly to “auto-pilot.” Too much is at stake. Even in the secular world, the effects of divorce or extra-marital affairs affect more than just the man and woman directly involved. How much more when the couple is in church leadership! It may not be fair, but people are watching and learning from our lives.

It is vitally important that we spend time on this special relationship. Our lives today move at a break-neck pace. Everyone is busy. And the church is no exception. In fact, sometimes I think Christians may be among the busiest people in the U.S. And at the top of the list of busy Christians are the ministers. With that busy-ness comes extra stress that can wreak havoc on the minister and his family.

So, what are some practical steps we can take to help guard our relationships from disaster?

1. Make time together a priority. Whether it be date nights, late night conversations, hobbies shared, weekends away, etc., time spent together and away from church/work is extremely important! Stay connected to one another, even when it is tough. Shared experiences are very important for husbands and wives. Make room in your budget for overnight times away for just the two of you. Take the kids to grandma’s or enlist a friend to keep them overnight.
2. Make time for intimacy. When a woman is distant from her husband over long periods of time, he can become more vulnerable to the temptations of another “more available” person. Make no mistake, the potential is great that there will be women who find your husband attractive and who will make themselves available to him. A man who is caring is very attractive to a woman who has issues. On the flip side, when your husband is “too busy” or overwhelmed and distracted to fill your love tank (See The Five Love Languages by Chapman), other men who pay attention to you may easily lead you to sin—even if it is only an emotional attachment.
3. Regularly evaluate your schedules and your stresses. Be on the lookout for especially stressful situations or seasons and proactively take charge of them. Talk to a trusted friend, seek counseling, take steps to reduce the stress in any way possible, take a vacation, visit Blessing Ranch or another counseling/retreat center for ministry couples. Do whatever it takes to deal with things as they come and don’t get in the habit of sweeping things “under the rug.”
4. Enlist a trusted friend in your context (an elder, another staff member of your same sex, to keep you accountable). Sometimes you may not notice the beginning signs of things as much as someone on the outside would. Give that person the permission to ask you the tough questions. And then LISTEN to her when she speaks.
5. Remember your husband has a great need for RESPECT, just as you have a great need for love. So, tell him, “Honey, I really respect x (then name something specific—something related to how well he is doing a certain aspect of his job, or your relationship, or fathering, whatever). Try to do this at least once a week. Also, NEVER criticize how he is doing his job in front of anyone else! Save those comments for when you are alone, and even then, pray first and word things carefully! Sometimes it is better to just pray about an area he needs to improve, and let God show him in some other way than through your words! Write occasional respect notes (just as you might like getting a love notes ).


If you have other suggestions that you’d like to share with others for their encouragement, please feel free to post a comment. If you’ve got something more than a comment to share, send me an email and I will post your insights as an entry on the blog: jramsey88 (at) msn (dot) com

Jennifer & Lori