Doing Life Together

Don’t be afraid to be real. I mean, I personally don’t believe in “letting it all hang out” all the time, but be real! Do the students and sponsors and parents only see your “church face?” Do they know how you spend your free time? (You may feel like all your free time is spent with them!)

A person from our (still fairly new) ministry remarked that she likes us because we’re just regular people. They see our family not just at church, but at the store, at the ball games, at the school concerts, whatever. And somehow they see that our whole life isn’t prayer circles and praise songs. We have our ups and downs. But we’re not like the world, either. We don’t cuss at the refs (although we have been known to yell); we also make it a practice to discourage booing and other unsportsmanlike behaviors.

The kids who take road trips with us for conferences, retreats, or missions trips have always been exposed to a real-life marriage—the good, the bad, and the bumpy! And they have also seen our marriage endure and thrive, in spite of just how regular (a.k.a. sinful) we sometimes are!

I think this makes a huge difference in our ministry, and gives opportunities for conversations we otherwise would not get to have. It gives points of connection with all kinds of people, and plenty of opportunities to discuss life lessons with our students, church, and even the community at large.

It crossed my mind that this kind of “doing life together” comes naturally for us right now—our kids are in the same schools as the folks at church, after all. But it is something that anyone can do—it just takes a little more effort for those who don’t have children yet or don’t have children in school, either because of age or homeschooling, or for those whose ministry encompasses many school buildings or even districts. But it is well worth the extra effort!

Colossians 4:5-6 (New International Version): Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Push the Reset Button!

We got our first video game system for Christmas this year. That’s a pretty big milestone for us. As parents of a son who was not an avid reader during his early years, we were adamant that we would never own one of those addictive things. But now that he is almost 20 years old and doing well in college, we relented and got one that would allow us all to play Guitar Hero. I think the parents wanted it as much as the kids!

You know, these games are much harder than they look! I find myself thankful that we can stop it anytime and start over! It is refreshing to go back to 0 and try again. And each time I do, it gets a little bit easier.

It reminds me of when our son was younger and we would have a bad attitude day. I’m not sure where I got the idea, but when the day was starting to go down hill, I would look at him and say, “Do we need to hit the reset button?” He would smile ashamedly and say, “Yes.” So, I would raise up his shirt in the back and pretend to search for the button and press it. That simple act would often turn the day completely around.

I’ve been thinking about these things a lot this week. The New Year brings with it a natural “resetting” for me. It is a time to look at things in a fresh light, take stock, and make some changes. If I’ve been having a bad attitude about the church, my kids, myself, my husband, whatever . . . I can mentally and prayerfully allow God to push my reset button and start over. I can decide to make things better as far as it depends on me and my own attitude and actions.

The really cool thing is that if I fail with this (and I probably will at times) I don’t have to wait until next January 1 to do it again. With Jesus, we can reset again and again when we come to him in repentance. I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

The Elusive Calm

A few weeks ago, after a particularly hectic week, I told someone, “Hopefully, next week will be calmer!!” But it seems like the next week always brings its own form of busy-ness. Even if the schedule looks relatively clear, some crisis pops up, or maybe it’s some unexpected fun activity. But it never seems to stop, or even slow down. Granted, some weeks bring true crisis, which tends to put our normal busy life into perspective—it may be busy, but it isn’t devastating. Yet more and more of us seem to be living in constant crisis mode. We know it isn’t healthy for body or soul, but what can we do??

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

How hard is that for any modern American woman, much less a youth minister’s wife?? Even more so if you have your own children. One of my friends posted on her Facebook page—“got up early, hoping for some uninterrupted quiet time [with God], but 2 kids are up. Stupid time change!” Even when we have good intentions, slowing down to “still” seems so hard and elusive for us. I know I’m not very good at it! But when I manage, one way or another, to accomplish this, oh, how much better life is. It can adjust the attitude, give us strength to say “no” to the things we really need to say no to, and refocus us on the important, rather than the urgent.

Satan doesn’t want us to commune with our God. He doesn’t want that relationship to get stronger and more intimate. So beware of roadblocks, even those that seem holy, that may be hindering you. Call him on it, out loud if necessary, and pray!! Jesus knows our heart, but praying that he will help you find the time and space for stillness will do wonders in helping you actually achieve it. And if you goof up and fill that time otherwise (my pillow was keeping me magnetically attached!) – don’t give up, just keep trying. The effort will be rewarded!!

Stress and Fruit

We were in the middle of one of those quirky family circumstances, where everyone is getting ready for the day and everyone is talking at once, on totally different subjects, and things are going a little haywire. I burst out laughing, and turned back to my closet. Then all of the sudden I found I was crying instead of laughing, and I wasn’t really sure why. I think it has to do with stress overload.

Family life is inherently stressful. So is ministry life. It just goes with the territory. There are too many people with too many needs, all demanding time and energy. But family life and ministry life are also both inherently rewarding, because God gives us these relationships as gifts, as places to experience the fruit of His Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Note that “fruit” is singular in Gal. 5:22. Those wonderful traits we get to experience in our relationships in the one body are aspects of the one fruit.

So, maybe the next time you feel like bawling, or pulling your hair out, before you yell at the kids and kick the cat, try praying to be shown, and to have the ability to show to others, the fruit of God's spirit in your life. Then let God surprise you in how that fruit shows up in your day!

For the quiet ones

Over the years I’ve met a lot of youth ministers and future youth ministers. We’ve had several work with us, my husband has had many as students, and we’ve observed them on visits with various churches and organizations. Without fail, the ones who stand out are the ones who are really outgoing and who are “kid-magnets.” I’ve seen them in our current church. The kids love them, and they really make a difference in kids’ lives.

There have been times in my life when, as the youth minister’s wife, I’ve felt a little inferior to these guys and gals. I mean, my husband is the youth minister, for heaven’s sake, but I’m a little bit shy, more reserved at first, and not one of the first people to jump up and do something crazy. I often thought that I might be a hindrance to the ministry, instead of a help.

I have talked to many young women in the last few years who have felt that same way. They wonder what they could possibly do to help out in a student ministry when they aren’t outgoing extroverts. In my own experience, I’ve found that my quiet personality has been a help and an asset in youth ministry.

One of the most important positives a not-so-outgoing person can bring to a ministry is that your perspective may allow you to notice those kids who are not “the life of the party.” You may be able to connect to quiet ones (and there are many if you look for them) that may be overlooked in a ministry staffed only by extroverts. Kids are all unique, and a style that connects with one will not connect with all of them. Different people build relationships with others, and with Christ, from different approaches.

The important thing to remember is that no student ministry’s needs are ever going to be completely met by one or two people – your husband can’t do it alone, or even with just the two of you. Even in a smaller church. It takes a team of people to minister to each and every student. The body has many parts that need to work together (see Romans 12!). It is definitely okay for you not to be on of the up-front people. Yet, your involvement in your husband’s ministry is important – at the very least allowing the kids to see that you value them and that you are supportive of your husband and the time he spends with them. Your attitude is the most important part of your role in youth ministry, no matter what other role you may fill.

Looking at the whole picture

Sometimes when I sit in my backyard all I see are weeds and overgrown plants. I start to complain, both in my head and aloud, that there is never enough time to do the work I need to do to really whip this garden into shape. I think about all the other people I know who have beautiful flower gardens and how they do a much better job of tending their plants and keeping their yards tidy.

Not long ago a friend gave us a picture of their daughter which was taken in our backyard last year. Wow! Was that really my yard? I couldn’t believe how good those flowers looked. Our pond was gorgeous! It was amazing!

I got a new perspective on things and it made me think about all the times I compare myself to other people and come up lacking. Maybe, just maybe, the same thing happens. We are not all Miss America, Martha Stewart or even Elisabeth Elliott. But we all do have talents, abilities, interests and personalities that God has given us. If we didn’t spend so much time obsessing about what we lack, perhaps we could look at the good that we do have and use it! At the very least, we will remember to thank God for the great gifts that he has bestowed on us and become grateful people, rather than complaining ones.

This same principle can transfer to the way we view our youth ministries. Sometimes we start to focus on what is lacking in our church or in our students. Why don’t we have as many kids as so and so in that other town? Why don’t we have volunteers lining up like that other minister down the street? We look at the negatives and we forget to notice the positives.

It’s true, you have to notice the weeds sometimes so that you can be reminded about the work ahead, but we should all strive to look at the total picture more often so that we can see the work that God is doing with our ministries and our lives.

When Things Don't Go as Planned

Not long ago something happened that changed my future. At least, it made me rethink what I had planned on doing in the next couple of years. I’m not a person who jumps into decisions quickly and I don’t change well. I have to be convinced little by little. So, when I got this new information it threw me for a loop. It kind of knocked me down for a few days until I could come to grips with it and get used to a new idea.

Something similar happened in our youth ministry days. We graduated from college looking for a place to plant our roots. We always thought longevity was the way to go. We wanted to move somewhere, become part of the community and live there with the people for the rest of our lives. For quite awhile it seemed like that was what God wanted for us too. In fact, we stayed in our first full-time youth ministry for about 15 years.

There were a few times over the course of those years when our resolve was shaken a little. As you all probably realize by now, things don’t always go the way you plan in ministry (or in any other aspect of life for that matter), but we met the challenges with prayer and resolve. And God always got us through. I believe our ministry was strengthened during those times and our personal relationships with God were definitely strengthened.

However, with close to 15 years invested in one place God seemed to be leading us elsewhere. My husband was not settled in his soul. The ministry was going fairly well, but something was not right with him. There was a restlessness within him, a feeling that something needed to change. We prayed and prayed (I, probably more selfishly than he. I didn’t want to leave our home, our friends, the place our children were born and felt comfortable). And after a series of circumstances, counsel from trusted friends, and a deep sense of “rightness,” we moved.

It was totally not what we had planned. It was not what we wanted when we first started out. Yet seven years later I can say that I am so glad it did work out this way. We still miss the people from before, but my husband is in a fruitful ministry in another place, our kids have adjusted and are benefitting from being in a new place with different mentors and opportunities, and we all have been blessed in this new venture.

That move was a growing time for me personally. It shook my core beliefs, rocked my foundation, and made me trust God more. Even though it was hard, it was good. I still don’t what I believe about whether God moves people from here to there, or if he allows people to make those decisions based on where they are in their lives, or what – but I do know that he used the experience to bring about growth in our lives. And if I allow Him to, He will continue to do that in all the other little experiences of my life, including this new one.

“ . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

God's Sense of Humor

I used to hear the stories from my mom. “Don’t ever say ‘never’!” One of her best friends from Bible college always said, “I’ll never marry a preacher. I’ll never be a missionary.” That wonderful woman has been married to a preacher many, many years now, and they spent decades serving the Lord in Africa!

One day we were driving near a larger city, marveling at the urban sprawl. “Why would anyone build their house so close to an interstate?” I ranted. “I certainly would NOT want to live there!” Another day, another road: “Man, I would never want to live in a trailer.”

Somewhere along the way we were getting pretty cramped in our adorable, updated Victorian one-story with only one bathroom, and I started praying for the right house for our family. I had lots of good reasons…Oh, Lord, we didn’t really know about Hannah’s special needs when we chose this house, and we need a better layout for our family. We want Katie to have a place she feels comfortable bringing her friends and hanging out during her adolescence. More space, please. And with all those extra girls around, we REALLY need an extra bathroom!

And we looked. And we tried to sell ours. We even wrote offers on a couple of different houses, at different times, that had logical reasons why they would be good for our family. I reasoned with my husband—a little more debt is worth it to enjoy while Katie is still with us, yada, yada. But doors kept closing.

Then, I finally knew why—God was leading us down a road I didn’t expect. A total change of venue. Moving. New ministry. The whole enchilada. OK, faith is supposed to be one of my stronger gifts, and after a spiritual kick in the pants, I was totally up for this. Still looking at nicer, more expensive houses, just in a totally different zip code. Another offer written.

Then it came, another kick. A series of lessons on Biblical financing. And I finally said, ok, Lord…all those other prayers still stand (more bathrooms, remember!) and a new one—help us get totally out of debt. Sooner, rather than later. And you know what happened. Nothing. That is, on the houses. Ours doesn’t sell. The other offer expires. We’re free to look again.

This time, something comes along, much more affordable. And guess what? It has more space. It has not only more than one bathroom, it has 3 full baths. It has a better layout for our family. And guess what else? It’s a double-wide mobile home. Not “trailer-ish” at all, I mean we have real gutters and downspouts and everything. But it is, in fact, a newfangled, glorified trailer. And it’s right by an interstate.

And I love it. And I love God’s sense of humor!

Till We Meet Again

Tomorrow I’m going to a funeral. I’m not excited about it at all, of course. Yet, I feel compelled to attend. Not just because I ought to. Even though I should go and support the surviving family and friends. One of our female students from more than 10 years ago has passed away unexpectedly. Jenny was a great girl, a real servant. She was one of the first students to jump in and do whatever needed to be done. She was quiet, yet she spoke up when she needed to. She spent quite a lot of time at our house and I got to know her fairly well while she was in high school and in college. She struggled with a lot of things young girls do. Fitting in, finding her place, seeking God’s will for her life. Yet, through her struggles she persevered and continued to follow Christ.

In the last couple of years, although single and still a little shy, she moved across the country and got a job as a landscape architect. It still amazes me how independent she could be, as quiet as she was. She was doing well. She found a church on her own, jumped right in, and became part of that fellowship. She found a place to serve on their sound team. What an inspiration!

So, even though I “ought” to go to this funeral, I really want to. Jenny wasn’t just a former youth group member. She became a friend of mine, someone who touched my life, someone whose journey influenced my journey. Even though I haven’t seen her for a few years, I feel a great sense of loss. I want to go to say goodbye and to celebrate her life.

Tonight I found the Christmas letter we received from her this year. She mentioned all the things she had been doing the past couple of years. I remember smiling as I read it in December, thinking about how great it was she was doing so well and so glad that she was part of a church fellowship. This time, however, the way she signed the letter jumped right off the page as I reread the letter. She wrote, “Till we meet again.” I chuckled a little, even with a tear in my eye, thinking about how appropriate that sign off was. We will meet again! She is just a little ahead of the rest of us, moving to her ultimate home. A friend of ours said she is probably helping someone move a couch right now. And that is the most comforting thought I can think of right now.

When Daddy Travels

Wives are not the only ones who have to adjust to the traveling schedule of the youth ministry. Children may struggle with it as well.

Some kids are born “travelers.” They love to go, go, go. Others are homebodies from birth. They only sleep well in their own beds. Some enjoy meeting new people, others are shy and unsure of new situations. You and your husband have to make your own decisions about whether or not it is conducive for your children (and for your students) to come along on youth trips.

However, being left behind for trip after trip is hard for kids sometimes. Especially when Daddy has such a busy schedule when he is home. Obviously, it is important that when Daddy is home (particularly during the summer, typically the heaviest on the travel) that he spends quantities of quality time with the kids. But what can we do as wives to help the kids deal with Dad’s absence and assist them in keeping a great attitude about the ministry?

Probably most important is that we have worked through our own attitudes and rid ourselves of any resentment of having to take care of the kids, house, etc. on our own during these times. If we are harboring any of that in our hearts, it WILL come out to our children. It is okay to be honest about missing our husbands, and frustrations will come up, but if our over-arching attitude is one of love, understanding and service that will rise to the top.

I almost always had a “slumber party” with our kids when Rondel was away. We would take the sleeping bags to the living room, rent movies, eat pizza and ice cream and just make a party of it. You can’t do this every night of a long mission trip, but you can plan outings and other things for your kids to look forward to while Daddy is away.

Here’s a great comment that was posted on the previous blog:

“I now have 3 children (6, 4, 13 months) who miss their daddy when he's gone, especially my middle child who loves his daddy very much. I make sure to remind them that daddy needs to have some fun too and that its a good thing for daddy to do things on his own. I also make sure I have some special dinners planned and activities that normally we wouldn't do during a school week. And during the normal crazy summers of daddy being gone for 3 different weeks, we take our own "trips" to grandma's house, the zoo, or the park. The key is being creative, creative, and pray for lots of patience!! I also make sure they know that its okay to miss daddy and we may have a few tears together, but we always try to look at the positive things that daddy is doing and some great fun things that we get to do. We also pray together for him every night!”

- Michele

Whatever we choose to do to make the times special for our kids, the important thing is to create an atmosphere of love and understanding of the importance of Daddy’s “job”, not one of bitterness and loneliness.