Youth Ministry Wives

Doing Life Together

2009-03-10T12:08:00.000-05:00

Don’t be afraid to be real. I mean, I personally don’t believe in “letting it all hang out” all the time, but be real! Do the students and sponsors and parents only see your “church face?” Do they know how you spend your free time? (You may feel like all your free time is spent with them!)

A person from our (still fairly new) ministry remarked that she like us because we’re just regular people. They see our family not just at church, but at the store, at the ball games, at the school concerts, whatever. And somehow they see that our whole life isn’t prayer circles and praise songs. We have our ups and downs. But we’re not like the world, either. We don’t cuss at the refs (although we have been known to yell); we also make it a practice to discourage booing and other unsportsmanlike behaviors.

The kids who take road trips with us for conferences, retreats, or missions trips have always been exposed to a real-life marriage—the good, the bad, and the bumpy! And they have also seen our marriage endure and thrive, in spite of just how regular (aka sinful) we sometimes are!

I think this makes a huge difference in our ministry, and gives opportunities for conversations we otherwise would not get to have. It gives points of connection with all kinds of people, and plenty of opportunities to discuss life lessons with our students, church, and even the community at large.

It crossed my mind that this kind of “doing life together” comes naturally for us right now—our kids are in the same schools as the folks at church, after all. But it is something that anyone can do—it just takes a little more effort for those who don’t have children yet or don’t have children in school, either because of age or homeschooling, or for those whose ministry encompasses many school buildings or even districts. But it is well worth the extra effort!

Colossians 4:5-6 (New International Version): Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Push the Reset Button!

2009-01-05T22:13:00.001-06:00

We got our first video game system for Christmas this year. That’s a pretty big milestone for us. As parents of a son who was not an avid reader during his early years, we were adamant that we would never own one of those addictive things. But now that he is almost 20 years old and doing well in college, we relented and got one that would allow us all to play Guitar Hero. I think the parents wanted it as much as the kids!

You know, these games are much harder than they look! I find myself thankful that we can stop it anytime and start over! It is refreshing to go back to 0 and try again. And each time I do, it gets a little bit easier.

It reminds me of when our son was younger and we would have a bad attitude day. I’m not sure where I got the idea, but when the day was starting to go down hill, I would look at him and say, “Do we need to hit the reset button?” He would smile ashamedly and say, “Yes.” So, I would raise up his shirt in the back and pretend to search for the button and press it. That simple act would often turn the day completely around.

I’ve been thinking about these things a lot this week. The New Year brings with it a natural “resetting” for me. It is a time to look at things in a fresh light, take stock, and make some changes. If I’ve been having a bad attitude about the church, my kids, myself, my husband, whatever . . . I can mentally and prayerfully allow God to push my reset button and start over. I can decide to make things better as far as it depends on me and my own attitude and actions.

The really cool thing is that if I fail with this (and I probably will at times) I don’t have to wait until next January 1 to do it again. With Jesus, we can reset again and again when we come to him in repentance. I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

The Elusive Calm

2008-11-12T10:15:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, after a particularly hectic week, I told someone, “Hopefully, next week will be calmer!!” But it seems like the next week always brings its own form of busy-ness. Even if the schedule looks relatively clear, some crisis pops up, or maybe it’s some unexpected fun activity. But it never seems to stop, or even slow down. Granted, some weeks bring true crisis, which tends to put our normal busy life into perspective—it may be busy, but it isn’t devastating. Yet more and more of us seem to be living in constant crisis mode. We know it isn’t healthy for body or soul, but what can we do??

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

How hard is that for any modern American woman, much less a youth minister’s wife?? Even more so if you have your own children. One of my friends posted on her Facebook page—“got up early, hoping for some uninterrupted quiet time [with God], but 2 kids are up. Stupid time change!” Even when we have good intentions, slowing down to “still” seems so hard and elusive for us. I know I’m not very good at it! But when I manage, one way or another, to accomplish this, oh, how much better life is. It can adjust the attitude, give us strength to say “no” to the things we really need to say no to, and refocus us on the important, rather than the urgent.

Satan doesn’t want us to commune with our God. He doesn’t want that relationship to get stronger and more intimate. So beware of roadblocks, even those that seem holy, that may be hindering you. Call him on it, out loud if necessary, and pray!! Jesus knows our heart, but praying that he will help you find the time and space for stillness will do wonders in helping you actually achieve it. And if you goof up and fill that time otherwise (my pillow was keeping me magnetically attached!) – don’t give up, just keep trying. The effort will be rewarded!!

Stress and Fruit

2008-10-14T11:08:00.000-05:00

We were in the middle of one of those quirky family circumstances, where everyone is getting ready for the day and everyone is talking at once, on totally different subjects, and things are going a little haywire. I burst out laughing, and turned back to my closet. Then all of the sudden I found I was crying instead of laughing, and I wasn’t really sure why. I think it has to do with stress overload.

Family life is inherently stressful. So is ministry life. It just goes with the territory. There are too many people with too many needs, all demanding time and energy. But family life and ministry life are also both inherently rewarding, because God gives us these relationships as gifts, as places to experience the fruit of His Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Note that “fruit” is singular in Gal. 5:22. Those wonderful traits we get to experience in our relationships in the one body are aspects of the one fruit.

So, maybe the next time you feel like bawling, or pulling your hair out, before you yell at the kids and kick the cat, try praying to be shown, and to have the ability to show to others, the fruit of God's spirit in your life. Then let God surprise you in how that fruit shows up in your day!

For the quiet ones

2008-09-04T09:39:00.000-05:00

Over the years I’ve met a lot of youth ministers and future youth ministers. We’ve had several work with us, my husband has had many as students, and we’ve observed them on visits with various churches and organizations. Without fail, the ones who stand out are the ones who are really outgoing and who are “kid-magnets.” I’ve seen them in our current church. The kids love them, and they really make a difference in kids’ lives.

There have been times in my life when, as the youth minister’s wife, I’ve felt a little inferior to these guys and gals. I mean, my husband is the youth minister, for heaven’s sake, but I’m a little bit shy, more reserved at first, and not one of the first people to jump up and do something crazy. I often thought that I might be a hindrance to the ministry, instead of a help.

I have talked to many young women in the last few years who have felt that same way. They wonder what they could possibly do to help out in a student ministry when they aren’t outgoing extroverts. In my own experience, I’ve found that my quiet personality has been a help and an asset in youth ministry.

One of the most important positives a not-so-outgoing person can bring to a ministry is that your perspective may allow you to notice those kids who are not “the life of the party.” You may be able to connect to quiet ones (and there are many if you look for them) that may be overlooked in a ministry staffed only by extroverts. Kids are all unique, and a style that connects with one will not connect with all of them. Different people build relationships with others, and with Christ, from different approaches.

The important thing to remember is that no student ministry’s needs are ever going to be completely met by one or two people – your husband can’t do it alone, or even with just the two of you. Even in a smaller church. It takes a team of people to minister to each and every student. The body has many parts that need to work together (see Romans 12!). It is definitely okay for you not to be on of the up-front people. Yet, your involvement in your husband’s ministry is important – at the very least allowing the kids to see that you value them and that you are supportive of your husband and the time he spends with them. Your attitude is the most important part of your role in youth ministry, no matter what other role you may fill.

Looking at the whole picture

2008-08-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I sit in my backyard all I see are weeds and overgrown plants. I start to complain, both in my head and aloud, that there is never enough time to do the work I need to do to really whip this garden into shape. I think about all the other people I know who have beautiful flower gardens and how they do a much better job of tending their plants and keeping their yards tidy.

Not long ago a friend gave us a picture of their daughter which was taken in our backyard last year. Wow! Was that really my yard? I couldn’t believe how good those flowers looked. Our pond was gorgeous! It was amazing!

I got a new perspective on things and it made me think about all the times I compare myself to other people and come up lacking. Maybe, just maybe, the same thing happens. We are not all Miss America, Martha Stewart or even Elisabeth Elliott. But we all do have talents, abilities, interests and personalities that God has given us. If we didn’t spend so much time obsessing about what we lack, perhaps we could look at the good that we do have and use it! At the very least, we will remember to thank God for the great gifts that he has bestowed on us and become grateful people, rather than complaining ones.

This same principle can transfer to the way we view our youth ministries. Sometimes we start to focus on what is lacking in our church or in our students. Why don’t we have as many kids as so and so in that other town? Why don’t we have volunteers lining up like that other minister down the street? We look at the negatives and we forget to notice the positives.

It’s true, you have to notice the weeds sometimes so that you can be reminded about the work ahead, but we should all strive to look at the total picture more often so that we can see the work that God is doing with our ministries and our lives.

When Things Don't Go as Planned

2008-06-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

Not long ago something happened that changed my future. At least, it made me rethink what I had planned on doing in the next couple of years. I’m not a person who jumps into decisions quickly and I don’t change well. I have to be convinced little by little. So, when I got this new information it threw me for a loop. It kind of knocked me down for a few days until I could come to grips with it and get used to a new idea.

Something similar happened in our youth ministry days. We graduated from college looking for a place to plant our roots. We always thought longevity was the way to go. We wanted to move somewhere, become part of the community and live there with the people for the rest of our lives. For quite awhile it seemed like that was what God wanted for us too. In fact, we stayed in our first full-time youth ministry for about 15 years.

There were a few times over the course of those years when our resolve was shaken a little. As you all probably realize by now, things don’t always go the way you plan in ministry (or in any other aspect of life for that matter), but we met the challenges with prayer and resolve. And God always got us through. I believe our ministry was strengthened during those times and our personal relationships with God were definitely strengthened.

However, with close to 15 years invested in one place God seemed to be leading us elsewhere. My husband was not settled in his soul. The ministry was going fairly well, but something was not right with him. There was a restlessness within him, a feeling that something needed to change. We prayed and prayed (I, probably more selfishly than he. I didn’t want to leave our home, our friends, the place our children were born and felt comfortable). And after a series of circumstances, counsel from trusted friends, and a deep sense of “rightness,” we moved.

It was totally not what we had planned. It was not what we wanted when we first started out. Yet seven years later I can say that I am so glad it did work out this way. We still miss the people from before, but my husband is in a fruitful ministry in another place, our kids have adjusted and are benefitting from being in a new place with different mentors and opportunities, and we all have been blessed in this new venture.

That move was a growing time for me personally. It shook my core beliefs, rocked my foundation, and made me trust God more. Even though it was hard, it was good. I still don’t what I believe about whether God moves people from here to there, or if he allows people to make those decisions based on where they are in their lives, or what – but I do know that he used the experience to bring about growth in our lives. And if I allow Him to, He will continue to do that in all the other little experiences of my life, including this new one.

“ . . . he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

God's Sense of Humor

2008-05-06T08:43:00.000-05:00

I used to hear the stories from my mom. “Don’t ever say ‘never’!” One of her best friends from Bible college always said, “I’ll never marry a preacher. I’ll never be a missionary.” That wonderful woman has been married to a preacher many, many years now, and they spent decades serving the Lord in Africa!

One day we were driving near a larger city, marveling at the urban sprawl. “Why would anyone build their house so close to an interstate?” I ranted. “I certainly would NOT want to live there!” Another day, another road: “Man, I would never want to live in a trailer.”

Somewhere along the way we were getting pretty cramped in our adorable, updated Victorian one-story with only one bathroom, and I started praying for the right house for our family. I had lots of good reasons…Oh, Lord, we didn’t really know about Hannah’s special needs when we chose this house, and we need a better layout for our family. We want Katie to have a place she feels comfortable bringing her friends and hanging out during her adolescence. More space, please. And with all those extra girls around, we REALLY need an extra bathroom!

And we looked. And we tried to sell ours. We even wrote offers on a couple of different houses, at different times, that had logical reasons why they would be good for our family. I reasoned with my husband—a little more debt is worth it to enjoy while Katie is still with us, yada, yada. But doors kept closing.

Then, I finally knew why—God was leading us down a road I didn’t expect. A total change of venue. Moving. New ministry. The whole enchilada. OK, faith is supposed to be one of my stronger gifts, and after a spiritual kick in the pants, I was totally up for this. Still looking at nicer, more expensive houses, just in a totally different zip code. Another offer written.

Then it came, another kick. A series of lessons on Biblical financing. And I finally said, ok, Lord…all those other prayers still stand (more bathrooms, remember!) and a new one—help us get totally out of debt. Sooner, rather than later. And you know what happened. Nothing. That is, on the houses. Ours doesn’t sell. The other offer expires. We’re free to look again.

This time, something comes along, much more affordable. And guess what? It has more space. It has not only more than one bathroom, it has 3 full baths. It has a better layout for our family. And guess what else? It’s a double-wide mobile home. Not “trailer-ish” at all, I mean we have real gutters and downspouts and everything. But it is, in fact, a newfangled, glorified trailer. And it’s right by an interstate.

And I love it. And I love God’s sense of humor!

Till We Meet Again

2008-04-14T21:09:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I’m going to a funeral. I’m not excited about it at all, of course. Yet, I feel compelled to attend. Not just because I ought to. Even though I should go and support the surviving family and friends. One of our female students from more than 10 years ago has passed away unexpectedly. Jenny was a great girl, a real servant. She was one of the first students to jump in and do whatever needed to be done. She was quiet, yet she spoke up when she needed to. She spent quite a lot of time at our house and I got to know her fairly well while she was in high school and in college. She struggled with a lot of things young girls do. Fitting in, finding her place, seeking God’s will for her life. Yet, through her struggles she persevered and continued to follow Christ.

In the last couple of years, although single and still a little shy, she moved across the country and got a job as a landscape architect. It still amazes me how independent she could be, as quiet as she was. She was doing well. She found a church on her own, jumped right in, and became part of that fellowship. She found a place to serve on their sound team. What an inspiration!

So, even though I “ought” to go to this funeral, I really want to. Jenny wasn’t just a former youth group member. She became a friend of mine, someone who touched my life, someone whose journey influenced my journey. Even though I haven’t seen her for a few years, I feel a great sense of loss. I want to go to say goodbye and to celebrate her life.

Tonight I found the Christmas letter we received from her this year. She mentioned all the things she had been doing the past couple of years. I remember smiling as I read it in December, thinking about how great it was she was doing so well and so glad that she was part of a church fellowship. This time, however, the way she signed the letter jumped right off the page as I reread the letter. She wrote, “Till we meet again.” I chuckled a little, even with a tear in my eye, thinking about how appropriate that sign off was. We will meet again! She is just a little ahead of the rest of us, moving to her ultimate home. A friend of ours said she is probably helping someone move a couch right now. And that is the most comforting thought I can think of right now.

When Daddy Travels

2008-04-04T08:43:00.000-05:00

Wives are not the only ones who have to adjust to the traveling schedule of the youth ministry. Children may struggle with it as well.

Some kids are born “travelers.” They love to go, go, go. Others are homebodies from birth. They only sleep well in their own beds. Some enjoy meeting new people, others are shy and unsure of new situations. You and your husband have to make your own decisions about whether or not it is conducive for your children (and for your students) to come along on youth trips.

However, being left behind for trip after trip is hard for kids sometimes. Especially when Daddy has such a busy schedule when he is home. Obviously, it is important that when Daddy is home (particularly during the summer, typically the heaviest on the travel) that he spends quantities of quality time with the kids. But what can we do as wives to help the kids deal with Dad’s absence and assist them in keeping a great attitude about the ministry?

Probably most important is that we have worked through our own attitudes and rid ourselves of any resentment of having to take care of the kids, house, etc. on our own during these times. If we are harboring any of that in our hearts, it WILL come out to our children. It is okay to be honest about missing our husbands, and frustrations will come up, but if our over-arching attitude is one of love, understanding and service that will rise to the top.

I almost always had a “slumber party” with our kids when Rondel was away. We would take the sleeping bags to the living room, rent movies, eat pizza and ice cream and just make a party of it. You can’t do this every night of a long mission trip, but you can plan outings and other things for your kids to look forward to while Daddy is away.

Here’s a great comment that was posted on the previous blog:

“I now have 3 children (6, 4, 13 months) who miss their daddy when he's gone, especially my middle child who loves his daddy very much. I make sure to remind them that daddy needs to have some fun too and that its a good thing for daddy to do things on his own. I also make sure I have some special dinners planned and activities that normally we wouldn't do during a school week. And during the normal crazy summers of daddy being gone for 3 different weeks, we take our own "trips" to grandma's house, the zoo, or the park. The key is being creative, creative, and pray for lots of patience!! I also make sure they know that its okay to miss daddy and we may have a few tears together, but we always try to look at the positive things that daddy is doing and some great fun things that we get to do. We also pray together for him every night!”

- Michele

Whatever we choose to do to make the times special for our kids, the important thing is to create an atmosphere of love and understanding of the importance of Daddy’s “job”, not one of bitterness and loneliness.

Youth Ministry Travel

2008-03-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

“Daddy, don’t go!” Little legs ran furiously toward the church bus as it began its journey through the parking lot, loaded with high school kids, sponsors and my husband. Our little boy cried for quite awhile after the bus disappeared . . .Traveling and being away from home are a fact of life in youth ministry. There are weekend retreats, week-long conferences, camps, and even longer mission trips. If your husband also is a sought-after speaker or worship leader, he may be gone even more for extra conferences and retreats for other organizations.

This particular aspect of ministry life can be a hard adjustment. And it changes with each new family milestone (i.e., the birth of each of your children). As a young ministry wife I enjoyed going to all the camps and conferences (Well, I will admit to only tolerating church camp, though. Can I be stoned for that?). Yet, I will admit, it got old to me after awhile. Packing, unpacking, making arrangements to be gone, etc.

After our children were born, my traveling tapered off, although we all joined my husband on occasion. The hassle with traveling with kids among other things led me to choose to stay home frequently. And sometimes we did not have a choice, we had to stay home while Rondel traveled on.

If you do not have children, you may be free to join your husband on these trips. Or you may have a job that does not allow you to take a lot of time off. If that is the case, you may find that you are lonely while he is gone. I used to feel that way, but over the years I have found that I am able to accomplish a lot of things when my husband is gone. I tend to tackle big projects that I ignore at other times. I have more freedom to make plans with girlfriends. I eat whatever I want – not bothering to cook much – and catch up on “chick flicks.” There are a lot of perks to having a couple of days to yourself! You just have to keep these positives in mind and arrange your schedule in such a way that you don’t slip into resentment and jealousy.

These times are also perfect to really lift your husband up in prayer. (See 1 Cor. 7:5) It is important to guard yourself from any temptation that could occur if you are lonely or bored or frustrated with his schedule. If you decide to take the positive and proactive approach and devote yourself to lifting him and his ministry to the throne during these times, you will feel closer to him and still a part of the ministry, even from a distance.

After Great Pain...

2008-02-20T17:53:00.000-06:00

What do you do when tragedy strikes your youth group, your town? Maybe it’s a car wreck, or tornado, or someone’s mom dying of cancer. Or one of the teens dying of cancer. Whatever it is, the victims are too young, and your youth are in shock. And you are, too.

We’ve been through this—and nothing can prepare anyone for something horrible like this. And there is no way to be "strong enough" on your own, either. God is the only one strong enough to carry us through the pain to the other side—the side where you never forget, but you do move on, and where you enjoy the special moments of each day when you connect with friends and family, and even strangers, because you realize now how fragile life is. And where you seek God with all your heart, and get everyone around you to do the same, so that we all have the hope of eternity together, where there are no more tears.

I didn’t really like Emily Dickinson’s poetry when we studied it in school. But one line of hers always stuck in my head. “After great pain, a formal feeling comes.” She’s right. After great pain, after the shock, the sobbing, the anger, the confusion, the yelling, after it all, you get to this quiet place. This serious place. This spot where you are sort of numb, and you wonder if you will smile or laugh again. Or even if you should. But you will. And what I’ve found out, through tough experience, is that after great pain, a deeper joy can come. Deeper worship can come. Serious, amazing praise can come. A love of life that is more real and meaningful can come. A heart for evangelism and compassion for the hurting can come. I think the secret to all of these things is letting God join you in your pain. He, too, has known tragedy. He, too, has lost a child. In fact, if it weren’t for that One child, He would have lost all His children.

So, don’t shut him out. He can handle any grief, any anger, any and every emotion you need to direct at Him. And when that strange quiet envelops you, know that He is there, too, waiting to take you farther up and farther in, higher than you ever were before. He loves you.

Auto-Pilot or Purposeful Driving?

2008-02-06T08:38:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been driving your car and suddenly realize that you haven’t been paying attention to what you’ve been doing? All at once you realize where you are, and you can’t remember passing certain landmarks. Probably all of us have done this at one time or another. We have an uncanny ability as humans to go on “auto-pilot” and just do things by rote without even thinking about them. It can be scary, really.

It can become that way in our marriages. We get into our daily routines and just move from activity to activity without much thought to the landmarks along the way. We may miss warning signals or obstacles that come into our paths, or we may forget to do important maintenance and our whole relationship may breakdown. We may not realize the danger our relationship is in until it is too late.

I know this is just an analogy, but the threat is very real. We must not allow our relationship with our husbands to move strictly to “auto-pilot.” Too much is at stake. Even in the secular world, the effects of divorce or extra-marital affairs affect more than just the man and woman directly involved. How much more when the couple is in church leadership! It may not be fair, but people are watching and learning from our lives.

It is vitally important that we spend time on this special relationship. Our lives today move at a break-neck pace. Everyone is busy. And the church is no exception. In fact, sometimes I think Christians may be among the busiest people in the U.S. And at the top of the list of busy Christians are the ministers. With that busy-ness comes extra stress that can wreak havoc on the minister and his family.

So, what are some practical steps we can take to help guard our relationships from disaster?

1. Make time together a priority. Whether it be date nights, late night conversations, hobbies shared, weekends away, etc., time spent together and away from church/work is extremely important! Stay connected to one another, even when it is tough. Shared experiences are very important for husbands and wives. Make room in your budget for overnight times away for just the two of you. Take the kids to grandma’s or enlist a friend to keep them overnight.
2. Make time for intimacy. When a woman is distant from her husband over long periods of time, he can become more vulnerable to the temptations of another “more available” person. Make no mistake, the potential is great that there will be women who find your husband attractive and who will make themselves available to him. A man who is caring is very attractive to a woman who has issues. On the flip side, when your husband is “too busy” or overwhelmed and distracted to fill your love tank (See The Five Love Languages by Chapman), other men who pay attention to you may easily lead you to sin—even if it is only an emotional attachment.
3. Regularly evaluate your schedules and your stresses. Be on the lookout for especially stressful situations or seasons and proactively take charge of them. Talk to a trusted friend, seek counseling, take steps to reduce the stress in any way possible, take a vacation, visit Blessing Ranch or another counseling/retreat center for ministry couples. Do whatever it takes to deal with things as they come and don’t get in the habit of sweeping things “under the rug.”
4. Enlist a trusted friend in your context (an elder, another staff member of your same sex, to keep you accountable). Sometimes you may not notice the beginning signs of things as much as someone on the outside would. Give that person the permission to ask you the tough questions. And then LISTEN to her when she speaks.
5. Remember your husband has a great need for RESPECT, just as you have a great need for love. So, tell him, “Honey, I really respect x (then name something specific—something related to how well he is doing a certain aspect of his job, or your relationship, or fathering, whatever). Try to do this at least once a week. Also, NEVER criticize how he is doing his job in front of anyone else! Save those comments for when you are alone, and even then, pray first and word things carefully! Sometimes it is better to just pray about an area he needs to improve, and let God show him in some other way than through your words! Write occasional respect notes (just as you might like getting a love notes ).

If you have other suggestions that you’d like to share with others for their encouragement, please feel free to post a comment. If you’ve got something more than a comment to share, send me an email and I will post your insights as an entry on the blog: jramsey88 (at) msn (dot) com

Jennifer & Lori

It's happened again

2008-01-24T14:27:00.000-06:00

It’s happened again. A minister has fallen. A marriage has failed. A wife is hurt. A church is devastated.

It is becoming all too common. But it never fails to shock me. I didn’t even know this guy, but I know the church. I hurt for these people. People who looked up to him, people who listened to his sermons week after week. There is a sense of sorrow. And there is a spark of anger.

But after a week of thinking about this, praying for those involved and having some time to reflect, I come to the same conclusions each time this happens. As someone close to me once said, “We are all just a millisecond away from doing something really stupid.” It is arrogant to assume that I will never do anything this bad. At least, it is arrogant to say that on my own I won’t fail like this. Or that my husband on his own will not fail in some public way.

I heard a sermon this week that mentioned that we are powerless against sin (Romans 5). At least “on our own” we are powerless. We do have ONE who is powerful who can help us, and He will. Yet, we have some responsibility to continue learning and growing and nurturing our spiritual lives, and at the same time put the necessary hard work into our marriage relationship.

So instead of being judgmental toward this latest brother who has fallen, I need to continue to pray for him and also realize that we are all sinners. I also need to thank God daily for the man I married and to ask Him to help us to stay alert in our own marriage so that we may not only avoid a tragic situation, but that we will have a joyous and blessed lifetime together, serving our Savior.

Over the next couple of weeks, Lori and I will post some tips and thoughts we’ve read about or learned from experience that may help to encourage you to strengthen your marriage relationships. Feel free to comment and post some of your own as well!

Cheering for you

2008-01-11T09:38:00.000-06:00

My husband recently mapped out the rest of our lives. He gave me a chart that included a space for each year from now until we turn 75. It listed how old our kids would be each of those years, various vacation plans, financial plans, several long term goals and some short term goals he would like to accomplish each year. It is the first of the year, so he gets rather focused, dreamy, reflective, and if you ask me, a little morbid. After I read it I said, “This is depressing!” He told me that he thought it would affect me that way. He gets energized by seeing a plan, but I feel like I’m 75 already and the life from now to then is already over.

This looking forward always causes me to reflect backward and relive some of our earlier experiences. A lot is behind us, never to be experienced again. But since my husband and I are now in the college community we get to re-experience the first years of youth ministry vicariously through the students we meet. It is invigorating to watch them throw themselves into the work to which God has called them.

If you and your husband are just starting out in student ministry, we are so excited for you! Let me encourage you to take each day as it comes and enjoy where you are. Make the most of each opportunity that you have. Use your youth, your freedom, your enthusiasm and zeal for the Lord. When it gets hard, rely on those with wisdom, who’ve been there before, to help you sort things out. But while you’ve got the energy and the stamina, work for the Lord, reach out to those young people to whom God has called you.

And even though you will gain more wisdom as you continue to learn and grow in the Lord, there are things that you can do right now and influences you have right now, while you are young, that you will not have when you are older and even more mature.

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example . . .” (1 Timothy 4:12)

And while you are doing this ministry, know that there are people like us who are watching, praying for you, and cheering you on as you invest in the lives of kids!

To Go or To Stay

2007-11-14T06:39:00.000-06:00

Well, we are wrapping up a 10-year youth ministry, and preparing to move. So, I want to reflect a little on the longevity question--a friend asked, just last week, how do you do that longevity thing? (or a question to that effect). There are lots of answers. This was our third youth ministry, and we came into our stride here. And we were committed to staying! This church had a fairly quick turnaround in the youth ministry spot in the years before us, and the search committee who did our initial interview said, our kids need some stability. If we hire you, will you commit to 5 years. And we said yes. And we did.

That means you respect the traditions and history that come with the church. You listen and learn, before starting new programs. You respect the authority structures over you, even when you disagree with them. You work to create a team that helps you plan and execute the plan (DON'T execute the kids, parents, or elders, in word or deed!). You pray, and spend time with God and with your spouse, you work through the hard times and rejoice in the triumphs. The kids who are seniors in our ministry now were about 7 years old when we came here. They have grown up with us, and we have grown up with them. There is something awesome about longevity.

Some ministers hop from church to church, because they are interested in finding a bigger and better place, or they are risk-takers and crave new challenges, or they just have trouble with authority and can't quite settle into an existing structure.

Even if you "stick it out" for a long period, like we have, there may come a time when it's time to move on. I struggled this summer--is this the right time for us? And God has made it abundantly clear. Yes. He has orchestrated the whole thing--his fingerprints are so evident to us. It a natural transition for our family and our congregation. Is it hard to go, especially after so long? YES. But God will provide for the needs of the folks we leave behind. He's so faithful! And God will provide for our family both in transition, and in the new work.

I have been thrilled to hear the excitement in my husband's voice as he plans for the new work. And yesterday, on a long car ride with her dad, our 13-year old proceeded to outline for her dad the plans she thought he should make to develop student leaders, and a fun Sunday school, and lots of other things, "but we can't start anything new right away, Dad, we have to take it slow and get to know them first." WOW. Who knew she already knew all that? And in spite of her sadness at leaving her friends, who knew she was already planning to act as his junior youth minister!

So, my best advice is this: Plan to keep sticking it out. If God really wants you somewhere else, he'll make the call loud and clear.

New Directions

2007-11-05T17:18:00.001-06:00

Wow! What happened to the last month? Jennifer and I have both been swamped, which leads us to this post. We're soon to become the "former youth minister's wives club." (My hubby has accepted a preaching ministry position, and hers is teaching other guys to be youth ministers!) But we still both have a huge heart for youth minister's wives. However, we need to hear from people in the trenches. So--if you are there, and have something to share with others like you, send it to us (via a posted comment) and we will moderate (that is, edit it for grammar, make sure you're being Biblical) and then post it!

Here are some questions to get you thinking about what you might send in--please help us out and be a "guest blogger"--or send us questions and we'll do our best to answer them!

What Bible verse has spoken to you recently, particularly in your role as a youth minister's wife? What lessons has God been teaching you through your life and ministry? What questions would you like to ask someone who has been in youth ministry a long time?

We look forward to hearing from you!!

Paradox

2007-10-04T08:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you were a contradiction within yourself? Maybe you were totally at peace, feeling that you and your husband were truly in God’s will, yet at the same time your mind keeps racing with all the things happening to and around you. Or maybe your body is physically exhausted, even as your emotions soar because of the exciting things happening in your ministry.

Jesus said the greatest commands are to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:30-31). So everything is involved—the emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual. But sometimes the “parts” of you can’t quite seem to keep up with the whole. I think that is ok, and yet one more opportunity to give God the glory, to point out to yourself and others that the amazing things that are happening must be God’s doing, because on our own we would surely fail and/or faint! But God gives strength in the areas of our weakness, and His glory shines right through it all! When you are feeling a little overwhelmed by this incredible process, I think it’s good to re-read some big chunks of Scripture. One of my favorites is Jesus’ words to his disciples and prayers to God recorded in John chapters 14 through 17. They are so simple and profound, full of truth and comfort. Words like “peace” and “remain” appear again and again.

But my prayer for you today is from 2 Thessalonians 3:16: “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” Amen!

Bam!

2007-09-10T08:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I’m going along in life, thinking I’m doing pretty well. You know, things are going ok, and I’m doing pretty well spiritually, and mentally and all. Then, Bam! Some little something happens—nothing major, just any little thing—and I’m blowing up, or bawling, or both. And I think, what in the world is wrong with me?? I have a sneaking suspicion it isn’t just me that this happens to…and that the whole thing has something to do with my sinful nature. And I think about this passage that Paul wrote, we call it the “do-do” passage, and it brings me comfort:

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. (from Romans 7:14-8:11, New International Version)

The Good Life

2007-09-06T09:21:00.000-05:00

Any of you who live in the northern half of Illinois have heard this little jingle from a popular furniture store multiple times a day. I have a habit of getting stuck on little melodies like that. In fact, right now it is playing over and over in my head.

You know, as wives of youth ministers, fellow servants in showing Christ’s love to kids of all ages, we are living a pretty “good” life. Sometimes, especially at the end of a busy summer when we are so exhausted and there is so much on the horizon, we can get bogged down by all there is to do. We can get discouraged because it seems like our husbands are “never” home and time off seems so far away.

When we get down, discouraged, and let’s face it—a little whiney—I think it is a good time to start naming the benefits of this “good life” we’ve got.

Lori and I will start off, and you all feel free to add some blessings about this life we call “the ministry to youth!”

We have husbands that LOVE God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength! (Many women do not have this.)
Our husband’s hours are long, but his schedule can be flexible to accommodate the needs of our family.
We get to go to Christ in Youth and other conferences where we can be challenged to grow just like the kids are! (And usually doesn’t cost us much, if at all, monetarily.)
We used to get Interl’inc Christian music CDs and stuff—often before others did—and we get to go to concerts and performances we otherwise wouldn’t.
We have been on mission trips to all kinds of interesting places and met part of God’s family—our family!—in those places.
We get to build relationships with some terrific volunteer sponsors and some absolutely amazing young people and to grow and mature together in the Lord.
We get a front seat to lots of AH-HA moments when the light bulb finally goes on in a kid’s head and he/she “gets it” for the first time! (and some adult AH-HA moments as well.)

Stress Busters

2007-08-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

It’s that time of year…you and your husband survived the marathon youth ministry summer, and now he’s busy getting ready for the fall youth group kickoff, recruiting volunteers, and planning the calendar. Exciting times, but they can be pretty exhausting! Often you don’t even realize it when you’re in the middle. When we arrived at our current youth ministry, they told us that one of the previous youth minister’s used to get really sick every October. “Makes sense,” said my husband. You go through the crazy end of the year stuff and graduation celebrations in May, dash all over during summer doing camps, conferences, and mission trips, then push hard to get your fall line-up in place and all the new programs kicked off. When all of that is up and running, the adrenaline and other stress hormones finally drain out of your system, and all the viruses you’ve gathered in your continual contact with humanity throw a party in your worn out body. (For wives, it can hit at Christmas, when you finally arrive at your own mother’s home and let your guard down…Jennifer and I compared notes and figured out we’ve been coughing/sneezing (or worse) through quite a few holidays between the two of us!)

So, how about figuring out how to give yourself, and the guy you love, a few mini-breaks now, to avoid the October and/or Christmas let down later. Here are a few ideas we have, feel free to comment with your own!

-- Take a nature break – you and God and some quiet, pretty place. You don’t have to go to the mountains or ocean to find this place, either; try nearby parks, lakes, or a spot under a tree or a blanket under the stars.
-- Get some exercise – sounds cliché, but a good brisk walk can clear your head as well as your body. Just don’t overdo it if you haven’t been doing this for a while! If you have kids, get them in a stroller or on a bike and go!
-- Read for fun – this is one of my personal favorites—finding something light and uplifting, or a good mystery. Of course, if reading isn’t your thing, it may not work. Some people prefer audio books.
-- Shut out the world and listen to some good music for a few minutes – whatever puts a smile on your face, something loud and rocking from your youth (anybody remember Steve Taylor and his crazy lyrics?) or classical, jazz, or a worship CD.
-- Watch a comedy movie or a Christian comic – yes, there are still some good, clean, funny movies out there to watch, rent or buy!
-- Swap babysitting with someone in your church and have a fun date night.
-- Look for a new prayer partner. Even if you already have one, sometimes it is great to talk to a new person and pray together for your family and ministry.
-- Of course, when all else fails, there is always chocolate! :)

Send us your ideas for other great stress busters!

Conference Reflections

2007-08-04T20:41:00.000-05:00

We spent the past week with some of our high school youth group at Christ in Youth conference. One of the most influential members of the group has been in heaven for almost 2½ years now. Sonya died in a car accident, but her life and death have and continue to speak volumes for her Savior. It is remarkable to me that her voice is almost louder to us now than it was 2½ years ago. The second day of conference focused on “injury” and the lesson that morning included a writing by a high school student who had also lost a friend in a wreck. It really resonated with all of us. It was good to share our injury with God and one another (along with other injuries) and know we were not alone. That was the theme of the whole week: ONES, because we were never meant to be alone.

Later in the week, we were totally enjoying an exuberant worship time, and I thought to myself, “Sonya would’ve really loved this.” Then I immediately thought, “Dummy, Sonya is probably enjoying worship ten times, no, a thousand times more wonderful than this right now! With our Jesus!” And I had to smile. This is just a great practice session…there is something so amazing about being in a big group all gathered to praise God, to search His Word together, to learn and grow and seek His will for our future. Together. Not alone.

All the Difference

2007-07-27T10:11:00.001-05:00

Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” is one of my favorite poems…maybe my favorite outside of the Psalms. The end of it says, “two roads diverged in a wood and I/ I took the road less traveled by/ and that has made all the difference.”

But this morning I woke up and lay reflecting for a few minutes, on this auspicious day…namely a birthday getting rather close to the number 40 (yeah, it’s 38). And I was feeling pretty thankful for being so incredibly blessed to have been born to 2 Christian parents. Not perfect parents, but still terrific! And I’ve always been surrounded by lots of wonderful Christian people, to learn from, share with, do life with. And I married a wonderful Christian guy. And I thought: belonging to people who belong to God, that has made all the difference!!

Many of the teens, really anyone, around us have not had that opportunity yet. As we prepare for fall, we’re praying about finding the right adults to lead discipleship groups for teens who want to go deeper—no matter what level they are on right now. People who will “do life” with them. It will make all the difference!

Even if you’re not currently teaching or leading worship or anything “up front”—make no mistake. Your ministry of example—how you conduct yourself, your marriage, your life—is making a difference in the lives of the people you interact with daily and weekly. So, thank God for all those who have made a huge difference in your life, even through the smallest gestures, and go make a difference for someone else!

Imitating part two

2007-07-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

It is really easy to get into the habit of serving all the time, pouring ourselves out and not being re-filled. This idea of a pitcher being poured out may not be the most accurate metaphor for our spiritual lives. A better one might be that of a spring being fed from a natural source. It is continually fed, and continually gives nourishing water to whomever happens by.

We, who help to grow others, need to take an inventory now and again and determine whether or not we are continually being “spring-fed” with spiritual things – through our own Bible study, a women’s Bible study or Bible class (participating, not leading), mentoring relationships, reading good books from solid Christian authors who whet your appetite for spiritual things. Even in the busiest of schedules there is time for at least one of the above things. We must make it a priority.

There were many times when I was giving, giving, giving, and I let my own spiritual relationship go on auto-pilot. I relied on the things I had learned up to that point instead of intentionally making time for my own growth.. That can sustain a soul for awhile, but eventually your stores become depleted and you can start imitating the wrong things. And it tends to rob you of the abundant life that God wants for you.

Right now, we’re on vacation and I’m reading Rob Bell’s book Sex God. He’s a great writer and a deep thinker. It’s just what I need to keep my mind sharp and ever-learning. My daughter and I are also trying to read along in the New Testament reading plan our church is going through. We are behind a little bit, but we’re doing our best to catch up.

How about you? What kinds of things are you doing or have you done to stay connected with the source of our life? If you’ve got a few extra seconds, how about sharing some ideas with the rest of us harried youth ministry wives?

The Example of an Amazing Father

2007-06-30T06:42:00.000-05:00

I read Lee Strobel’s book Case for a Creator not too long ago. One of the things that really struck me as fascinating was two science experts that described to him the way our solar system is situated in our galaxy. Apparently, we are sitting in a just the right spot, not too close to the middle where we’d be in far greater danger of getting hit by comets and other space stuff, and not too far out where we could wander away from the cluster, but relatively out of the way. And not only are we in a safe place, but we are set in such a way that we are in one of the optimum spots for observing the rest of the galaxy. Now that’s an interesting tidbit of information. Not only did our father want to keep us safe, He wanted to encourage our desire to explore and observe and learn about the cosmos He created!

Isn’t that what any good parent of a toddler does? The parent encourages exploration and discovery, but within safe boundaries, always keeping an eye on the precious child.

I think we need to do this very thing with our teens! We need to set up some safety nets and boundaries, but we also need to foster exploration. We need to encourage them to ask the tough questions about world religions and our own theology, while they are with us and we can explore the answers together. If we stifle their curiosity, they may go off to college and get hit by a comet of materialism, or wander off into worldly philosophies. They need to know all about them before they get there!

One of the tools we’ve had at our disposal is Lincoln Christian College’s “worldvieweyes” program. (see www.worldvieweyes.org) It has helped us to teach our kids about different worldviews, including our own. I know they are currently working on a curriculum that will be available to youth groups in the near future. I’m sure there are other good resources out there, too (send us your ideas!) The important thing is to tackle some of the hard issues and big questions in the relative safety of your youth group, grounded in solid Bible study!

Encouragers wanted

2007-06-21T10:34:00.001-05:00

I just got back from junior high choir rehearsal. Wow, those kids have a lot of energy, not always channeled in the right direction. It wears a person out! These kids are getting ready for their annual choir tour, and it is a hectic week. Sometimes tempers flare, sometimes focus isn’t there, and then all of a sudden something kicks in and wow, look at ‘em shine.

During times like this, I’m reminded that adults are fallible, that kids are kids, that not everyone has bought into the whole “ministry” mindset, and that I’m not as young as I used to be. However, through all that God brings to mind wonderful things as well. We’ve got a lot of great kids under all that squirrely-ness and people really do want to serve God, they just lose sight of the “important” now and then and have to be brought back on board.

Have you lost sight of the importance of people over programs? Do you get bogged down in the worries of church conflict? Do you sometimes want to strangle the kids you work with instead of hugging them? Well, you’re in good company. Yet, hopefully the God we serve can remind us of the good things around us.

Several years ago Oprah asked her audience to start keeping thanksgiving journals. The idea was that each individual should take some time everyday to list five blessings in her life—things or people or whatever that she was thankful for.

Let’s take the idea and re-work it for youth ministry wives. Let’s start encouraging one another with the good things in our lives. Not to make light of the problems we face, of course. The problems are there, and they need to be dealt with, but let’s not get bogged down by them. We do have great blessings in our lives as well! Let’s give God praise for these blessings and share them with each other here and by doing so, encourage each other. Take some time to post some blessings in your lives and in your ministry. Hebrews 10:25b “Let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Summer Ministry

2007-06-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

Well, it is summer! Is your husband gone yet? Will he be back only to leave again? Do you go with him or stay home? Do you take your kids along or ship them off to grandma’s? Maybe you don’t even have that option. Maybe you have to stay home and work, because you have a job and bills to pay. Maybe there isn’t a grandma (biological or honorary) who is available to watch your children.

Summer ministry usually means lots of going…mission trips, camps, conferences, etc. (Hooray for Christ in Youth!) And, depending on your personality and that of your husband and on your circumstances, that can be a blessing or a curse. Some of us love to get out and travel, enjoy the special events and quality time with our youth group. Some of us are homebodies. I think this calls for lots of extra prayer – prayer to do what we must with extra grace. It is so easy to be frustrated with the circumstances – you want to go but you have to stay, or you want to stay but you have to go, or your husband has to go and he’d rather stay – that we can easily miss the blessings and growth God has for us. Then there are the prayers we must offer regarding the actual trips – that God’s purposes will be accomplished, which may require some bumps along the way! It took me quite a while to realize that the trip never goes as you planned, but those very “diversions” are often the ones that God uses to pull us and our youth to a higher level.

And remember, there are seasons to life. If you and your family decide this is the season for you to stay home when you’d rather go, or vice versa, remember Ecclesiastes:

"There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace."

So whether you stay, go, or some of each, enjoy the journey with Jesus!

Motivation

2007-06-06T19:12:00.000-05:00

Well, we haven’t been blogging lately. Jennifer has a great excuse…her son just graduated from high school (after being homeschooled most of his years) and she’s had final grades to tally, a celebration to plan, etc. I have no good excuse. I went from pretty busy to not so pretty busy, and just haven’t sat down to type. I guess I lacked motivation. Not that you all aren’t important to me, you are!! But when the need is sort of invisible, not right in your face, it’s pretty easy to procrastinate.

But aren’t some of the most important needs around us invisible? The immediate visible stuff demands attention. That pile of dirty dishes stares you in the face. The mound of dirty laundry. The young people that are loud or excited and right in front of you. But what about the quiet ones? Or the ones who don’t even show up? Aren’t they the ones who need our time and attention the most?

What about your husband’s invisible needs? Sure, he’d be thrilled if you deal with the dirty dishes before he comes home. Sure, he wants you to help with the ministry in visible ways. But what about his need for respect? His need for you to be a strong tower, supporting him when he’s down and when he’s up? His need for a sounding board? His need for a word of encouragement when he’s been hearing lots of criticism?

How do we stay motivated to do the most important things, that aren’t always readily visible? I think it is praying that we’ll be able to see with God’s eyes, rather than our own. To see Him! Then we can live in a motivated faith, like Moses: “he persevered because he saw him who is invisible.” (Hebrews 11:27b)

Quotable Quote

2007-05-09T16:34:00.000-05:00

Balanced women never get anything done, focused women do!

--Anne Graham Lotz

I found myself imitating my father recently

2007-05-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

I was driving alone in our minivan and had a moment of frustration with another driver. Before I could stop myself I was muttering, “What an idiot!” under my breath. I was instantly aware of my error. I’m sure it was conviction from the Holy Spirit. I was thankful my kids weren’t with me!

The next thought in my mind was, “I’m just like my dad!” I am meaning no disrespect to my dad. He was raised in a completely non-Christian home with lots of insults and unkind words thrown carelessly around. He found Jesus and rose above his upbringing, but certain behaviors were hard to shake. My sister and I grew up in a loving family, but we all still hurled hurtful words at each other, especially in anger. We were following in my dad’s footsteps, mimicking the example we were shown.

I thought those words were banished long ago from my vocabulary. I’ve learned that’s not the way my heavenly Father wants me to treat his children. I don’t make bad-mouthing people a habit. So why did this come so quickly to my mind and my mouth?

I’m seeing this experience as a wake-up call that I need to be spending some more time with my Father. (Notice the capital “F”). The things in our past that have shaped us into who we are (both good and bad) are deeply ingrained in us, but that doesn’t mean they cannot be overcome. Becoming more like Jesus is possible through spending time with Him in the Word, by praying, by learning more and growing more mature in the faith; we can grow out of the negative things.

I think of Paul saying to the Corinthians, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ,” (1 Corinthians 11:1). That’s pretty bold! But seriously, as leaders in the church, especially youth leaders, we in effect are saying that, even if we do not use those words. The kids in our youth groups will be imitating us. They will be watching to see if we mean what we say about loving others. They will take their cues from us.

That can be scary, but if we look to our Father as the example and follow His lead and listen to His correction, He will honor our commitment to Him. We don’t have to be perfect, but we need to be growing and alive.

Best Marriage Advice

2007-04-26T15:12:00.000-05:00

I was at two different wedding showers last weekend. (Those things always come in bunches, don’t they?!) At each of them, we were asked to share marriage advice and/or a written prayer or blessing for the couple. Of course, those things are so hard to think of on the spur of the moment. I always think later of what I wish I had written down. And obviously, people write whole books on the subject of marriage (some of which we recommend in our favorite books section!). But if I had to pick the single best marriage advice … it would be to outlaw the “d” word in your home and life. The “d” word? DIVORCE.

Tracy and I had been married about 2-3 years when it happened. We were having a big fight. Which is and was actually fairly rare for us, even in those “we’re still figuring out the marriage thing” early years. I remember saying something and turning around to shut myself in the bathroom—it is hard to walk away from someone in an apartment the size of a postage stamp—and he said IT. “Well, then, why don’t we just get a divorce.” I slowly peered around the corner of the bathroom doorway back at him; he was standing on the other side of the open shelving dividing our kitchenette from our living room. I’ve heard him tell other people that I looked at that moment like he had struck me with a baseball bat. I quietly and slowly said, “That Word Is Not Allowed.” He dropped his head. And that was it … neither one of us has said it since, and it’s been a LOT of years now.

Why outlaw a word? What difference does that make? Well, it’s more than the word. It’s the whole concept. When you take divorce off the table as a possible option, either now or in the future, it changes the whole dynamic of your marriage. Instead of a wimpy “’til our love turns cold” you MEAN “’til death do us part.” Instead of half-hearted, "well, we tried to make it work," you work at it until you get it right. You don’t approach marriage as "well, I’m making the best of it." You both say, "we want this to be great. We’re going to do what it takes to take it to the next level. We want long-term, deep love and passion. And we’re willing to do the hard work to make it reality!"

Whether you’re engaged, or newly wed, or approaching the 20, 30, 40+ year anniversary, I hope and pray that you have a testimony marriage—the kind those around you will want to emulate. Not for your glory, but as a testimony to the God who created man and woman and tells us how to do marriage right.

Funerals

2007-04-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

Two years ago this week, one of the most amazing young ladies who has ever been a part of our high school ministry was killed in a car wreck. This week, we thought our friends’ 5-year-old might be going home to Jesus, but instead, she got to go back home with her earthly family. Last night, my husband preached a sermon for a Good Friday service titled, “The funny thing about funerals.”

Of course, your first thought is naturally, “there’s nothing funny about a funeral!” Unless you’ve been around a funeral home director in his unguarded moments—they all have funny stories. Anyway, my hubby talked about how we don’t know how to act when there is a dead person in the room. And how freaked everyone would be if the dead person suddenly wasn’t, if he got up out of the casket. The point is, that is how the world should be when they are around us. If we are truly alive in Christ (Philippians 3) it should be so freaky, the world wants to know what is up.

The two young ladies I mentioned in the first paragraph qualify. The high schooler was so different, so freaky for Jesus…everyone she ever met knew how she felt about her savior. Hundreds of people came to the funeral. People who hadn’t ever been to church. People who kept coming back. She had more impact in her short years than most of us will make in decades. And the 5-year-old…she has people on their knees around the globe on her behalf. The people at the hospital marveled at all the cards. They wanted to know who was this small person, what was so special about her, and her family? The answer is simple. Jesus. Alive. Not dead. Not in a tomb. Ever again!

I want to live like that.

Have a blessed Resurrection Sunday!

Time for Blogging?

2007-03-27T21:46:00.000-05:00

I’ve had blog ideas floating around my head for weeks, and no time to sit down and type. At least no time when I could put together coherent sentences. And if that isn’t a typical youth minister’s wife, I don’t know what is! How do we get so busy?? And I don’t even feel like I’ve been doing all that much! But all the million little tasks that go into being a mom, a wife, a youth worker, a part-time employee, a daughter, a housekeeper, a chauffer, a sibling referee… I guess it is the faithfulness in all those million little things that really adds up in the end.

I haven’t even been reading 1 Corinthians 13, but I guess it’s been on my mind, because here’s what came out of my head… (with apologies to the apostle Paul!)

If I speak at a girls’ retreat, and have not love for the girls, I’m just an annoying cell phone, ringing at the wrong time.
If I speak to youth of honoring their parents, and don’t make time to call my own and go spend some time with them, and if I encourage others and grouch at my own family, I am nothing.
If I give time and money to missions, but don’t love the lost and different, I gain nothing.
Love is patient with the loud and obnoxious kids at youth group—you know the ones I mean.
Love is kind to the older ladies, who just need a touch on the arm and a smile.
Love does not envy the wives who have more budget to work with to fix up their homes.
Love does not boast, but gives God the proper credit for our successes.
Love is not rude or angered, even when that kid cuts you off in the traffic moving from the Sunday school room to the sanctuary.
Love is not self-seeking, even though our human nature desperately wants to be.
Love never fails.
Where there are object lessons, they will cease. Where there are videos on any topic, they will be stilled. Where there is knowledge of the latest teen culture trends, it will pass away.
When perfection comes, the imperfect disappears…and faith, hope and love remain. But the greatest of these is love.

Self

2007-03-15T13:15:00.000-05:00

Colossians 4:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

I can, and do, act selflessly. I am not selfless. In fact, I am quite self-centered. While I have learned to put my husband, my children, or others in the church or community before myself, I would be deeply ashamed to admit how often these acts are done half-heartedly, even grudgingly, and occasionally with deep resentment. How often do we resent the fact that our husband sashays off to church early on Sunday morning, leaving us to clean, dress, and feed not only ourselves, but all our little brood, hustling them off to church, not forgetting the objects for object lessons, snacks, and copies needed for Sunday school. Or maybe for you it’s the sheet music and powerpoint on your flash drive. No wonder one minister’s wife commented that she rarely sees a truly happy looking minister’s wife on a Sunday morning.

So, how do we turn all the daily annoyances into true service to the King? It requires a change inside, not in behavior. A change of mind and heart. One that will probably need to continue until the day we die, because at least in my mind, this is the most universal of struggles—getting past our inborn egocentricity, leaving behind self-centeredness for honest, internal submission—first to Christ, then to others.

Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Called by Name

2007-02-25T14:34:00.000-06:00

I have been reading the non-fiction book A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L’Engle and it is so full of amazing, thought-provoking stuff that I had to share it with all of you! (Some of you know Madeleine as the writer of excellent youth fiction, such as A Wrinkle in Time.) By the way, if you stop in a Barnes and Noble and read the first 2 pages, you will discover where the title “a circle of quiet” came from and, I expect, be looking for one of your own.

So, here is a brief excerpt from A Circle of Quiet (By the way, this was written in the early 1970's.):

Those who teach, who suggest books to either children or adults, are responsible for their choices. Like it or not, we either add to the darkness of indifference and out-and-out evil which surround us or we light a candle to see by.

We can surely no longer pretend that our children are growing up into a peaceful, secure, and civilized world…Our responsibility to them is not to pretend that if we don’t look, evil will go away, but to give them weapons against it.

One of the greatest weapons of all is laughter, a gift for fun, a sense of play which is sadly missing from the grownup world…If every hair of my head is counted, then in the very scheme of the cosmos I matter; I am created by a power who cares about the sparrow, and the rabbit in the snare, and the people on the crowded streets; who calls the stars by name. And you. And me.

Looking Back

2007-02-09T14:36:00.000-06:00

I saw a commercial the other day. I don’t even remember what it was advertising, but I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. A young mother was sitting in the kitchen with her young child by her side in a high chair. The little one’s toes were bare and mommy was tickling and blowing on the child’s feet. They were both giggling and happy and enjoying one another immensely.

I’ve always been a sentimental soul and have cried during my share of commercials, but this one hit me with such intensity that even now as I think about it I’m overwhelmed with feelings. Much of this has to do with the fact that my firstborn “baby boy” is eighteen years old and only months away from graduating.

The amazing thing is that even though I’m a little sad in remembering those toe-tickling times, I’m full to the brim with a feeling of thankfulness, wholeness and intense joy in having those tender memories to look back on. I’ve been blessed to be able to be home with my children their entire lives. I worked outside the home part-time for a couple of years, I’ve also worked from home, and been extremely busy with the ministry of the church, but through it all I’ve been blessed with great quantities of quality time with my kids. I thank and praise God for it. I’m thankful that I can look back and be happy about my choices to make my kids a high priority even though I had times of feeling inferior to those who were working in a career. Yes, I even wished for more adult interaction on occasion, but I’m so very thankful that I don’t have to look back and say that I regret not spending more time at home. I’m thankful I had time to really know my kids and enjoy them.

Even though I’ve been able to be home with my kids over the years, our busy ministry schedule has presented challenges to family time. I can remember Zach falling asleep under the piano during a “loud” band practice on more than one occasion. I remember my mother being concerned that we weren’t keeping a good routine for our little one. Zach was a pretty portable kid – he could sleep anywhere, so he was pretty adaptable. Some don’t have that luxury. There are times that ministry kids can roll with the punches, and other times that Mom may have to adjust her schedule so that she can take the little ones home, or find a sitter while she and Daddy are with the youth group.

Whatever the case, and whether or not Mom works outside the home, the little ones grow up oh-so-quickly. I encourage any of you who may be young moms with a morsel of wisdom I was given by someone early on in my marriage. It comes back to my mind time and time again, especially when I’m facing a struggle of some sort with my children. And I suppose on this side of my life, with my baby almost ready to leave the nest I’m even more thankful for it. Here it is:

“Each moment of your life goes by quickly and is never to return. Enjoy each and ever minute. Don’t wish it away—experience it to the full.”

Believe me, it happens sooner than you think! (Ecc. 3:11-13)

Taxes

2007-02-01T10:46:00.000-06:00

If you are like many ministry families, you have just paid your last quarterly income tax payment of 2006 to old Uncle Sam. I used to always get really nervous around this time of year since it would soon become apparent whether or not we had paid in enough to the government or if we would have to kick in some more. We’ve had both kinds of years. Mostly the good ones, though. We’ve always done our own taxes, and have been blessed to have a really good friend who talks me through it each year and helps with the big questions. Thanks Diane!

There are a couple of great resources out there that have helped us in our tax preparation and planning. One is the Income Tax Guide for Ministers and Religious Workers by B.J. Worth and the other is The Zondervan Minister’s Tax and Financial Guide by Dan Busby. Both of these books have been invaluable to us and have answered many of our questions. Our previous church made several changes in their accounting practices because of these books, too. The maddening thing about taxes is that the rules change frequently, so each of these guides is updated yearly.

It is disturbing to me the number of churches that are unaware of specific tax laws for ministers. And it is equally disturbing that many professional tax preparers are also ignorant of those laws and special considerations. I think each ministry family should educate themselves and take charge of this part of their lives. Ask the financial person at your church to help you. Buy one of the above resources and read it. If you don’t understand it, then ask someone you know who is knowledgeable about the subject to help you.

Over the years we have had friends who have been completely shocked about the money they owe to the government when tax time rolls around, because they had not been educated about what to expect or what to plan for.

In her last post, Lori mentioned a few ideas for saving money. Here are a couple related to taxes: Learn to do your own taxes (we spent $150 one year to pay someone to do ours and most of the hard work was already done—the compilation of all those receipts!). Find out about the things you can deduct from your taxes, save the receipts and deduct them. It takes a little effort to keep track of business miles and all those receipts for things you buy for your ministry and your home, but it is worth it! Every penny adds up!

Money: Work on it now, benefit later!

2007-01-21T08:32:00.000-06:00

My husband was speaking to a group of aspiring youth ministers last week, and amid a discussion of youth group budgeting, brought up the topic of personal finances. They ended up spending well over an hour on the “aside.”

So—is money a pain or a blessing? For most of us, some of both. Since youth ministry isn’t famous for providing high salaries, it can become a huge issue. Our best advice is to get some great advice, the sooner the better! There are some outstanding Christian organizations putting out great materials, seminars, etc. Two excellent choices are (1) Crown Financial (www.crown.org), co-founded by the late Larry Burkett, and (2) Financial Peace University begun by Dave Ramsey (http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/). Both offer tons of resources. One of our favorites is Crown’s Cash Organizer ™ envelope budgeting system, which is only $15.00 and a great way to get started if you’ve never REALLY budgeted before. I say “REALLY” because my husband and I said we had a budget for years, but what we had was a paper with all our monthly bills listed on it and little else in the way of a plan—which ended up getting us into big trouble.

Another great thing to do when you’re starting on this plan is to keep a spending diary. For one month, write down how you spend every penny. If you put a quarter in a gumball machine, write it down. If you write a huge check, write it down. EVERYTHING. Then you can see where your money is really going, and this will help you make a realistic plan and also show you where you can “stop the bleeding.”

There are tons of practical ways to save money and be a much better steward of what God has given you! Quit stopping at Starbucks and make coffee at home. Shop consignment stores, thrift shops, and garage sales. (There are several thrift shops near us that support missions groups, so shopping there serves two good purposes—saving me money and helping someone else!) Look for creative cheap dates and family outings (maybe we’ll post some of those ideas another time!). Trade your car—for one that gets better mileage, has a few more miles on it (but not so many you’re having to pay for repairs constantly), or is otherwise a more thrifty choice for your family. Maybe get by with one car instead of two for a while. Cancel your cable for a while, or cut back to the basic channels. Pack a lunch instead of buying fast food. Swap babysitting with another mom, or ask a “surrogate Grandma” if she’d watch the kids for free. Find someone with older children who is willing to pass “hand-me-downs” to your children, especially church clothes that have barely been worn. Cut some coupons—but only for items you really need!

Yes, my family has done every one of the above at one time or another.
Besides pleasing God by handling your money carefully, you will reduce stress on your family. In addition, if you have a recorded system showing how you have allocated and spent money, then if there is a real need, you can show what you have been doing to the leaders of your church and ask them for their assistance. If you walk in humbly, show them your books and ask them to help you figure out the bind you are in, they will be able to see the effort you have been making and see the areas in which you need help.

This just begins to scratch the surface! Send us your ideas on saving money, cheap dates, and fun free (or nearly free) family outings, and we’ll post them!

My Iron Woman

2007-01-14T17:11:00.000-06:00

Recently I received a call that an elderly friend of mine was in the hospital and not doing well. She is nearing 90 years old, so any health issues are very serious for her. I got a lump in my throat thinking of her. “Bessie” is very special to me.

There are quite a few of those older women who have touched my life through the years. They are the ones who at various times said things that hurt my feelings or touched a raw nerve. They are also the ones who had a word of encouragement for me as well. I don’t think I realized at the time how much these women were impacting my life.

I remember one particular occasion. We were having some difficulties with our first child. He was about four or five months old and had some serious “spitting up” issues. It seemed like everything that went in, came back out within an hour or so. The doctor was well aware of it and we were experimenting with some ways to handle it, including feeding him smaller amounts more frequently. “Bessie” was in the nursery one Sunday night with him and afterward sternly admonished me to be feeding my child more because he was “really hungry”. Looking back, she was not mean about it at all, just concerned. However, I was devastated and cried to a friend about it, who consoled me and told me I was being a good mother. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. The thing is, he really was hungry. And I did need to be feeding him more. In the end, Bessie’s admonition spurred me on to be more proactive in the situation rather than just relying solely on the doctor’s recommendation.

There were a few other times that Bessie questioned whether or not my young husband and I were eating properly – too much pizza – and whether or not we were taking any time off and resting. At the time, I know I secretly rolled my eyes, but in retrospect I see that she really cared about us and was genuinely concerned that we were taking care of ourselves and not just putting everything we had into the ministry to the kids. She and her husband were great supporters of the youth in our church although they were never formal youth coaches or sponsors during our time there. Whenever we had a special youth emphasis or concert, there were always a few gray heads in the audience and theirs were among them. But they were also great supporters of us!

Thankfully I was able to hold my tongue and just take the advice I was given, and let the good stuff soak in and the bad stuff roll off my back. I’m grateful for that – grateful that I didn’t let my hurt feelings sever a relationship that ultimately made me a better mother and wife.

My encouragement to you is that even though people may say things that hurt your feelings or step on your toes, most of the time they are doing it with good intentions. We are not meant to live in a place where everybody agrees with everything we do and no one ever corrects us. Proverbs 27:17 tells us that one man sharpens another like iron sharpens iron. I imagine iron rubbing up against iron wouldn’t be the most comfortable feeling (the words remind me of fingernails on a chalkboard), but it does the job! The same can be said of our relationships with others. They are not always comfortable; people don’t always love everything you do. But their loving criticism can help you to become a better wife, mother, Christian and youth worker!

Bessie is one of my iron women. Look around, I bet you have one or two of them in your own life. Thank God for the example of these women living out Titus 2:3-5. And ask him to help you to accept the “advice” they bestow upon you, consider it and soak in the good and discard the hurtful, all the while loving the iron woman who gives it to you.

Committed to Learning

2006-12-30T22:23:00.000-06:00

I’ve talked to some young minister’s wives who feel frustrated, even intimidated, because they feel their own Bible knowledge lags so far behind their husband’s or others in the church. Maybe this is the year for you to commit to a class, like a Bethel Bible series, Walk through the Bible, or some other good Bible overview class.

Or maybe you know a lot about the Bible, but you feel you are losing touch with the students and their culture, so you need to commit to reading more (or surfing more!) to learn about what’s out there. Then you can help the students develop “worldview eyes” to see their culture through God’s lenses.

It crossed my mind that we could all make a resolution to learn something new every day…but that brought to mind a passage that gave me a healthy new perspective, even when I first read it at the ripe old age of 12. This is an excerpt from the Newbery Award-winning book, From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, by E. L. Konigsburg:
[11-year-old] Claudia said, “But, Mrs. Frankweiler, you should want to learn one new thing every day. We did even at the museum.” “No,” I answered, “I don’t agree with that. I think you should learn, of course, and some days you must learn a great deal. But you should also have days when you allow what is already in you to swell up inside of you until it touches everything. And you can feel it inside you. If you never take time out to let that happen, then you just accumulate facts, and they begin to rattle around inside of you. You can make noise with them, but never really feel anything with them. It’s hollow.

So, learn a little, then let God fill you up and touch every corner of your life!

Happy New Year!

Christmas contrasts

2006-12-20T16:27:00.000-06:00

The following was part of a friend's Christmas letter, and I loved it so much I asked her permission to share it with you on the blog:

Upon reflecting back on the year and also thinking and preparing my heart for Christmas these last few days, I continue to come back to a story that has resonated with me so much the last couple of months. My husband and I were blessed with a wonderful trip to Maui in October (and yes, we were there for the earthquake). His company hosted us in such a fabulous way. Maui is so incredibly beautiful--my eyes were in for a treat at every turn. We had every comfort imaginable available to us there. Once while sitting by myself on the lawn overlooking the ocean (after my spa treatment), I even had a pool attendant startle me with "Cold towel, ma'am?" Good grief, I wasn't sure what I would even want a cold towel for! Anyway, the food was also delicious and beautifully prepared, the sounds of the ocean so soothing, the smells of plumeria in bloom so tantalizing……. In short, every one of our senses was engaged in pleasure.

However, a day after our return home our senses were abruptly brought back to reality. Our family helps with a program at our church called "Quest". We, along with numerous others, minister to about 30+ kids each week from underprivileged homes in our town. My husband is official "bus driver" and I help maintain some semblance of control. Anyway, just the sight of many of their homes brings to mind the darkness that permeates so much of our society. The smell is yet another story. I many times feel like I've not only been exposed to every germ in our county, but had them wiped all over me! I've had to explain who my hubby is more than once--some of the little ones called him "that guy that comes with you". They literally have had no previous conception of a "husband" or "daddy". Sweet, sweet children. Anyway, you get the picture of what we stepped off the plane to face. It was such a stark contrast I couldn't help but carry it around with me for weeks.

It finally hit me this week. That's what Jesus did for us! The extremes that we felt coming from one part of our world to another in a matter of a day is so small compared to what Jesus faced in coming to earth. He left heaven and all the comforts and love it provided to come to earth, not in splendor, but in poverty—to a dark, smelly stable. And He did that because the great love He has for us compelled Him to! It's amazing, isn't it?

Love and Merry Christmas!!

Has she cracked?

2006-12-09T07:39:00.000-06:00

My friends think I have officially cracked. When I made a proud announcement to a couple of groups of friends lately, I could see it in the glances they exchanged with one another. Yep, those looks said, she’s totally lost it! What was my “big announcement”? I have 2 gray hairs! Said loudly, with pride. That’s the part that got the weird looks. “Did you pull them out?” asked one friend. “No!” I replied.

After I thought about it, and how many of them use color in a bottle, or plan to, or whatever, I thought, why am I having this weird reaction? I mean, most American women don’t advertise the fact they are sprouting silver streaks.

I think it has something to do with the fact that for so long, it seemed like my husband and I were the “kids” at every adult function at church. He was the junior member on staff. I was the youngest in the ladies group. Whatever. A few people still look at us that way, simply because we are younger than they are, or because we are (still!) in youth ministry. And never mind that my husband is now the longest tenured staff member at our particular church. But most, somewhere along the way, have come to view us as full-fledged adults. And I’ve worked pretty hard to live up to the responsibility that implies. Thus, I can accept gray hair as a sign of emerging maturity, of experience—sometimes very difficult but almost always fruitful experience—bringing me closer to my Lord.

For a long time, though, we got the rolled eyes and the brush offs that sometimes happen when you are young. Even if you’ve been out of college, working hard on the field for five years or so, you’re still just a pup to the 50 and 60 year olds. (A phenomenon you’ll understand better as you head toward that age yourself!) It may feel painfully like lack of respect, or unwarranted belittling. Guess what, sometimes those with more experience than you actually do have some wisdom you should take into account! Even if you are right about something, if you truly respect them and practice patience, you will eventually earn their trust. Too often when we are young, we are passionate and want to change the world RIGHT NOW—note that these last two words are the only ones in this sentence that will get you into trouble. Eugene Peterson writes about Christian life being a long journey in the same direction. Living that kind of life will allow you to find the respect you crave, while maintaining healthy humility. And when life gives you gray hair, you can be proud of it!

Quote of the Week: Trust

2006-12-06T21:36:00.000-06:00

We trust, not because a God exists, but because this God exists.
--C. S. Lewis

On being away from home . . .

2006-12-01T09:29:00.000-06:00

Besides holidays, there are other times in life that living away from “home” – where we grew up - and from our family hits us hard. Early on in our marriage I had moments of extreme homesickness, and even though the distance we were away from our families was not as great as some I knew (other ministers and missionaries), it may as well have been 1000 miles or more since we did not have enough money to make the trip often.

Although we’ve made great friends along the way, the distance has been a real problem for us especially in times of stress. I went through times of struggle about being away from my extended family after the births of both of my children, and my husband and I both struggled during the times that his parents were sick and dying. I will say that our church family was great during these highs and lows and ministered to our little family in wonderful ways as a surrogate family.

One scripture that has ministered to me in regard to this issue of being away from family is Mark 10:28-30:

Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!”

“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “No one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields—with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.”

It’s true, even though we’ve left our families behind in another state, we’ve gained many more members to our family in the churches where we minister. And we’ve got a greater home ahead for us someday in eternity. That hope helps me deal with the disappointment of not being with my mother and grandmother and aunts and uncles at various times in my life. I hope it does the same for you!

Holidays and Ministry

2006-11-21T21:49:00.000-06:00

“O, there’s no place like home for the holidays.”

There’s a lot of truth to that song, and if you are a ministry wife away from home for the first time you know exactly what the song is talking about! My husband and I have lived “away from home” all of our married life. Early on, we were able to make it home for the major holidays (except Easter, of course—kind of hard to miss Easter Sunday when you work in the CHURCH. It’s kind of a big day!). As job descriptions changed and the more involved we became in other ministries in the church it became important for us to oversee some of the Christmas Eve programming. This conflicted in a bad way with my own extended family traditions since we had always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve.

I remember the first Christmas Eve we were unable to go home. That evening as we were sitting around our little Christmas tree, my family phoned. They passed the phone around and wished us well and I could hear the singing of carols in the background. After the phone call, I broke down and sobbed. In the past, I was the one playing the piano while all the younger cousins sang their hearts out. I loved that part of our celebration and I was missing it!

Since that year, we’ve gone “home” for Christmas and Thanksgiving and we’ve stayed “home” for Christmas and Thanksgiving. We’ve been flexible in our own personal family so that we could be part of the extended family whenever possible. I personally think it is important to give my children every opportunity we can to spend with their grandparents and great-grandparents. But it is also important to allow them to observe in our actions and attitudes that ministry is one of our main priorities and it is okay if it conflicts with our personal family sometimes.

I consider myself very blessed that I’ve been close enough to home that I can spend some time each Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family even if it isn’t on the designated holi-“day”. But there are those who live much farther away from home who only see their extended families every few years or so (if they are so blessed). Whether you are near or far, this holiday season may be one of those times you’ll have to work on “giving thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thess. 5:18) whether you really feel like it or not. Something about giving thanks – it is sure to bring you peace, too. (Phil. 4:6-7)

If you’ve got some good advice about how to deal with being away from home for the holidays, ways you’ve coped, encouragement you’ve found in the Word, or traditions you’ve started, please post them as a comment here and encourage your sisters in ministry!

What a Day!

2006-11-15T22:19:00.000-06:00

OK. I’ve just plopped down at the computer, and my neck hurts and my muscles ache. And I’d tell you about what I did today, but the list would be shorter if I tell you what I didn’t do. (Pause. Pick up clump of rice my 7th grader apparently dropped on the computer keyboard a while ago.) A few hours ago, I was standing at the stove thinking, Lord, I really don’t WANT to be the Proverbs 31 woman today! And yesterday (my goodness, that was just yesterday!) I was in Wal-mart, talking to a young mom and fellow youth minister’s wife. You know that list where they give you stress points for life events—moving, changing jobs, death in the family, etc.--her family has dealt with almost every item on that list in the last three months. And then when some new little thing happens, you think, ok, God, I’m just really not sure I can deal with this right now! But life is like that. Full of the unexpected. Crazy. Busy. Tiring. My mother-in-law sometimes says, “It’s a great life, if you don’t weaken.” But we ALL weaken. We can’t do it by ourselves! Why do you think so many people turn to a bottle of alcohol, or one other of the countless ways to try and escape their life? Hmmm. “My power is made perfect in weakness.” What a thought!

Anyone remember the context of that verse? I didn’t, I had to go look it up. J But it’s great! It’s about Paul’s thorn in the flesh. I hope this strengthens you, as it is for me, tonight. Here it is, out of the NIV (2 Corinthians 7-10): To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, [note this is in red in my Bible—Jesus is talking!] “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Let Christ’s grace and power rest on you today, dear friend!

Imitators of God

2006-11-07T22:10:00.000-06:00

(Note: this was posted, then it disappeared; sorry if it shows up twice!)

Ephesians 5:1-4
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

Part 1: How is my husband (and how am I) to live a life of love without a hint of sexual immorality? There are girls (and maybe their mothers) hanging all over him!!

It’s very easy for youth ministers to become the object of hero worship. And, especially for the tender, immature compassionate heart, this can easily turn into a major crush. This is something you and your husband need to discuss before it happens. Consider his personality. Is he good at spotting these things coming, or will he need help from others to recognize this? Does he have an accountability partner(s)? It never hurts to have many eyes on watch to try and redirect these things before they “get out of hand.” After all, a reputation is a fragile thing that is worth protecting, not for ego’s sake, but for the kingdom’s sake. And wives must be on guard, too—boys or girls may mistake your attention and tenderness for something more. And then there is the sympathetic adult shoulder to lean on—you must guard your mind that it does not get caught up in comforting (or thrilling) fantasies when your own husband has been too busy or not as attentive as you think he should be. You need accountability partners, too, and not the kind that will help you male-bash or gossip!

Part 2: Greed

This also plays into the above. The more dissatisfied you become with your husband’s long hours and/or small wages, the more likely you are to go looking for outside comfort in whatever sinful form that might take: unhealthy relationships with others (anything from a gossip partner to adultery); unwise spending and accumulating debt; focus on your own job/income to the extent that it supercedes the priorities of God and family; or anything else that Satan can think up to distract you from God’s will. Instead, fill your mouth with thanks, for the many blessings you have! (See our post "Blessings of Ministry Life" from Sept. 2006 if you have temporarily forgotton!)

Quote of the Week: Prayer

2006-11-07T21:59:00.000-06:00

There is nothing that makes us love someone so much as praying for them.
--William Law

Life in the Wallowing Pit

2006-10-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a day when you just feel like you’re not who you want to be? You feel inadequate, jealous, spiteful, depressed, and like you just don’t measure up. Recently, I found myself wallowing in this place. I hate it when that happens. You know that God has gifted everyone the way he wants, you thought you were secure in who you are and what you were doing in your life . . . and then you see someone else with a quality or gift you wish you had and all of a sudden you are in that wallowing place again. Maybe it is a Bible study leader who is great with people and with communicating the Word of God. Maybe it is a youth coach who connects better with the kids than you do. Maybe it is a Martha Stewartesque woman whose home is so warm and inviting and always open to everyone. Whoever it is . . . you don’t really begrudge them for who they are, in fact you really admire them. You just realize that you’re never going to be like them and it makes you feel like you are a little less lovable, a little less God-like, a little less valuable than they are.

Hopefully, you know that you are worth so much in God’s eyes. That he has gifted each one of you with your own distinct personality and your own strengths and spiritual gifts.

I’ve noticed when I get “wallowy” that my focus has shifted. I start focusing on myself and my limitations. I forget to give God glory for the good around me, in my own life, and in the lives of those other women I admire so much. I’ve fallen into Satan’s trap of comparing myself to others.

I Peter 4:8-11 gives us some advice about using our gifts. Peter says in verse 10 that “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.”

So, obviously there are various forms in which God’s grace can be administered. Sure, God gifts people to work with youth on a grand scale. There are those who are charismatic kid-magnets who have the gift of gab. And there are those who work more behind the scenes without all the hoopla. They are more introverted types who like to get to know the kids slowly, more one-on-one. There’s a place for both kinds of people and all those in between. And it is okay if you aren’t musical, or extra out-going, or super smart, or a good counselor, or . . . fill in the blank . . . whatever your gift is, use it! And be available to be open to new things God teaches you and new ways you can be used of Him!

Peter says in verse 8, “Above all love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” The motivation of love for God helps us to use our gifts for Him and perhaps it is also the thing that gets us out of the wallowing pit and allows us to rejoice with those who are gifted in different ways than we are. When you think about it, it is amazing the way God designs the body with many parts to work together. And seriously, isn’t it great to know, “I don’t have to do EVERYTHING!”

One Morning

2006-10-24T07:06:00.000-05:00

The perfect blending of electric guitars and drums providing the backdrop of the morning youth worship, you sit among hundreds of high school and junior high students praising the God you and your husband have been serving together for five years now. It has been an awesome five years. You look around and notice the shining faces of the teenagers around you who have come to know Christ through the ministry that you and your husband have built with God’s help. There’s Susie, who is from a broken home and who was on the verge of suicide when her friend invited her to church. She is now one of your leader kids who is singing with the praise team up on the stage, her life now completely devoted to following Christ. There’s Trent, the star of the football team who is also leading a Bible Study before school each Tuesday a.m. There are so many, they are getting harder to remember by name, but it is so uplifting to know how many have been affected by the ministry of your church. You bask in the wonder and revel in the warm feelings this moment is bringing your way. Last night was one of the best high school kick-off parties you have ever had. Your four year old and two year old were so excited to have the high school crowd over to your place for the big bonfire and party. Your hard work, and the hard work of so many of the other youth coaches and sponsors, really paid off. Your husband’s devotion was so funny and so inspired and the kids got such a lift out of it. It is amazing how creative you and your team can be. You have so many ideas, you can’t have enough programs to use them all! And just think, it gets better. Tomorrow you and your husband are going away on an all expenses paid trip for two for the week in order to recuperate from all your hard work over the last five years. The church has been so good. They’ve even bought your family a brand new mini-van. You are brought back to the present by the youth up front calling your husband forward to give him a gift of appreciation. They are so good about that. Weekly, they thank you and your family for all the time and effort you put into the ministry. As the band revs up for the next song, you notice the nice little part the keyboardist is playing, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink . . . What is that? What?????
Oh, no! It’s the alarm clock! Like a car suddenly shifting from 5th gear to 1st, you are jerked awake. You’ve overslept. It is 7:59 and you and your family must be at the church at 8:30 a.m. ready for the pre-church prayer group that meets to pray for the youth of the church. Oh no! You said you’d be in charge of bringing treats for your 4 year old’s Sunday School class! Aaaagh! There’s not time to get to the bakery and to the church. Nobody’s dressed, where are his shoes? The phone rings, your husband is already at church and got a call, can you please fill in for the junior boys teacher, her kids are throwing up?
Good morning, youth minister’s wife! Take a deep breath, and repeat after me: “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24). Did you know this verse comes in the last of a set of Psalms that Jesus would have recited during the last Passover meal with his disciples? He knew what had to happen the next day, and still he could say, let us rejoice…Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. (Ps 118:24, 29) You cannot get through this day alone, at least not with your sanity intact, but your good God can walk you through it, “not somehow, but victoriously!”

Quote of the Week: When You Feel You're Barely Getting By...

2006-10-24T06:55:00.000-05:00

"Not somehow, but victoriously!" (not sure who said this, but it is displayed prominently in the home of Mrs. Veva Appel, an amazing Christian woman, a minister's widow, the mother of Gene Appel and his wonderful siblings!)

Marriage

2006-10-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

“Meh-widge--a dweam within a dweam . . .”

And then you wake up! Most new-to-the-youth ministry wives are also newlyweds. It is a doubly exciting time for the young couple, full of hopes, dreams, ideas, and passion for each other and for the work that God has for them to do. However, so many changes at once (new marriage, new job, new home, new people to meet, and the list goes on and on) prove to be too much for a young woman to handle, and this causes even more stress within her marriage. In our next couple of blog postings we will talk about some of the challenges and changes that can happen in a marriage when the couple is also in ministry.

If you are new to the full-time youth ministry, how have you made the transition from college life to the “real world?” Has it been hard? Are you newly married? Has this new ministry life been a strain on your marriage?

I remember the moving van pulling away with my parents in it at the beginning of our first full-time ministry and the feelings of homesickness, helplessness and loneliness fell on me like a ton of bricks. We had graduated from college a few months prior and had actually been married for a couple of years already. My husband and I had married after our sophomore year in college and had transitioned quite nicely into married life. We were both going to school, working part-time at school and basically carrying on as we had before marriage with the added benefit of being roommates! We transitioned into married life with relatively little trouble.

However, now that the moving van had left, the finality of growing up and being on our own was so intense. This was my first “huge” hurdle in married life. The next day it just kept getting worse. Rondel was quickly sucked into the ministry and even though I was highly involved it wasn’t exactly the same for me (since I didn’t have an official “position” at the church). During the whole first year, even though there was much success, we had ups and downs in our married life. I remember lots of crying on my part. Looking back, I’m sure some of that was my own immaturity and insecurities coming forth, but we both shared the blame. I was homesick, also about leaving behind my academic life, trying to adjust to my new role, adjusting to actually running a household, and meeting LOTS of new people. I’m a shy person and it was at times excruciating. Rondel, however, was in his element and impassioned with ministering in whatever way he could. It was hard for him to remember to stop what he was doing and come home on time for supper, or to know that I needed him to myself occasionally. We spent a lot of time together doing ministry and hanging out with people, but our alone time sometimes got left for “leftover” times.

We floundered through all this with God’s help. I will say that everything we ended up doing may not work for all youth ministry couples, but eventually we found the things that helped us.

1. We made his day off a priority. I told him that I could put up with a lot if I KNEW that I had Thursdays (all day!).

2. I went to the office when I had free time (just to hang out with him). I also helped out with a few office things in order to speed him up a little and get him home a little sooner. (Be careful with this or you will have a MAJOR transition again when children come – as I did!)

3. We tried to make time to go home and visit family whenever possible (this wasn’t easy, especially on a limited income). And my family came to visit us.

4. I joined a Ladies Bible Study and made friends. This helped with the loneliness.

5. I got involved in my own ministries. In other words, I got a life. I didn’t center my world completely around my husband.

Notice that most of these things were changes in my own life and my own attitude. My husband had a responsibility to make time for me, but I had to also understand the importance of his job. My opinion is that even if you are not actively involved in your husband’s ministry, you still affect it. You can support it, support him in it, understand the time it takes to do it well, etc. Or you can hinder it. Then no one wins.

Quote of the Week: Duty

2006-10-05T09:25:00.001-05:00

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. -- Helen Keller

Encouragement from the Word

2006-10-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, when I was a girl at church camp, someone asked everyone in our “family group” to share their favorite verse from the Bible. Of course, we were memorizing lots of verses that week, which was much easier back then! But I really had no idea what I would say my favorite verse was. I did know I didn’t want to use a typical one that anyone might say, like John 3:16, or Psalm 23. Not that those aren’t great passages, they are, but I wanted something different. I don’t remember what I said when it was my turn…whether I copied off a friend or made something up, or just said “I don’t know.” I do remember our leader’s favorite verse, though…he rattled off 1 Corinthians 15:58 to us, and I thought, yeah, that’s a really good one, that not everybody knows! So I wrote it down and memorized it that week, and it still brings me a lot of encouragement. I urge you to claim it for yourself: Therefore, my dear brothers (or sisters!), stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. (1 Cor. 15:58, NIV)

Comment on the comments

2006-09-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

I hope you gals are reading one another's comments--they have definitely been encouraging to me. Thanks for sharing some great Scriptures and thoughts!
Love, Lori

Quote of the Week: Success

2006-09-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

No amount of success in ministry will make up for failure at home.
(I heard this from Beth Moore who was quoting someone else.)

Seeking FIRST

2006-09-24T13:22:00.000-05:00

Matthew 6:33-34
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

What great words for any Christian, but even more for a woman married to a youth minister! If we can get ourselves to quit worrying and focus on His kingdom and His righteousness, He will take care of all the daily worries! Note that He does not say your righteousness—even our own “doing good” is not to be our focus. We must learn to look through Christ’s wide open kingdom eyes. How easy it is to get distracted by lack of funds and mounting bills, or who in the world are we going to talk into teaching Junior High boys Sunday School, and when is my husband going to be home from that meeting??! But true trust, letting go of worry, allowed Abraham to take off for a destination unknown, trusting the God who spoke to him. And Sarah went with him, even though she didn’t hear the voice of God herself.
What are you worried about? What are you seeking today?

The Blessings of a Ministry Life

2006-09-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

Being in the youth ministry with your husband is a busy, rewarding life. Many times people in our church remark, “I don’t know how you guys do it!” And I say, “I can’t imagine doing anything else!”

Why would anyone want to do this? There are so many reasons!!!!! Here’s some I’ve thought of:

1. It’s rewarding - lost souls are saved. I’ve seen kids turn their lives around. I’ve seen kids GET it for the first time. There’s nothing more exciting than that. My husband and I vividly remember one youth group member asking a question that was so obvious to us, but she really didn’t know the answer. She asked, “How do we really know God created the world? Why do we say that?” He had her turn to Genesis 1:1 and she read it aloud, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Then she paused for a couple of seconds of contemplation. We literally saw the light bulb come on in her brain and she said, “Oh!” I think that was one of the things that happened in her life that got her going on her search for God. Now she is a youth minister’s wife and is impacting so many other young people! We’ve seen thousands of kids worshiping God together. It is a beautiful sight. We’ve seen kids give their lives to Christ and totally turn around. We’ve seen whole families impacted for Christ! It’s awesome!

2. It’s enriching! We’ve been to more places and heard more preachers, singers, speakers, bands, drama groups, comedians, etc. than we ever would have if not in the ministry. We’ve met lots of people, we’ve talked and even worked with missionaries, and had them stay in our home. Our kids have met so many people they wouldn’t have met if not for the ministry. You can find someone you know (or at least someone who knows someone you know) everywhere you go.

3. It’s energizing! (This is kind of a paradox, since youth ministry is also very tiring at times). We’ve had so many fun experiences. And when lots of people our age quit experiencing the fun stuff, we get to keep on doing it. We get to act like kids and stay younger longer.

4. It’s satisfying! It is so awesome when you can use the gifts God gave you to serve Him. It is wonderful to see the fruit of your labor, and the labor of others like you—when the fruit of the spirit (Gal. 5:22) starts showing itself in the kids’ lives!

There are so many other good things about being in youth ministry with your husband. Maybe you could share some of the blessings you’ve noticed in your own life. Feel free to post them here as an encouragement to others!

Welcome to Youth Ministry Wives

2006-09-17T20:57:00.000-05:00

Welcome! We are excited to be starting this blog as a source of encouragement to women married to those amazing youth ministers! We invite you to visit with us here and participate in the discussion with us. Our prayer is that we may strengthen one another and help each other along in this awesome journey to which God has called us!

In the coming weeks and months, we will be sharing our thoughts about topics that relate to being a youth ministry wife. And we invite you to participate in the conversation. Upcoming topics will include: balancing marriage, family and ministry, open heart-open home?, ministering to the youth minister, self-worth, mentoring and more!

Please feel free to pass along this blog to any friends you have who are part of this fellowship of youth ministry wives! We're looking forward to sharing this journey with you!